Saturday, October 29, 2011

What a bunch of Halloweenies!

Halloween is here once again! The adults get into this holiday much more than the kids do these days. Nothing quite like seeing an adult dressed up like gorilla outside of a night club barfing his guts out after one too many shots of tequila. To his credit, gonzo gorilla guy still had enough working gray matter between his ears to take off his mask before barfing. Talk about your bad after taste. Anyway, after witnessing this miracle of modern society, I made my way to a more quiet residential area. The kids were out roaming around, doing the trick or treat deal. I guess everybody just thought I was one of the adults walking around in a zombie costume, because nobody gave me much of a second thought. Then all of a sudden I stopped cold. There was my 6th grade teacher’s house. No way could she still be alive. Mrs. Johnson would be like, I don’t know, maybe 127 years old! She was crazy. I got into trouble once, just because I had a sense of humor and Mrs. Johnson left hers in the smoke filled teacher’s lounge. Mrs. J gave our class a reading assignment to do while she graded our homework assignment. She was chewing on one of her ink pens while doing the grading. I mean Mrs. J was going to town on this pen, chewing on it like she needed more fiber in her diet. I looked up from my desk momentarily and saw one of the funniest things ever. The ink from her chewed up pen covered Mrs. J’s teeth! I couldn’t stop laughing and then the whole class joined me. Oh yeah, I’m the bad guy. She was the idiot chewing on a pen like it held the secrets to the fountain of youth, but no I was the one who got in trouble and sent to the principal’s office. So fast forward to this Halloween evening and I walked up to Mrs. J’s house and knocked on the door. Mrs. J answered the door in her ancient glory, still with the red ink stained all over her teeth! Talk about your hard luck.
I said “Trick or treat” and to my amazement Mrs. J gave me a treat. Here I thought I might score something good like a Snickers bar or a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but no once again Mrs. J revealed herself to be the ultimate killjoy. Mrs. J handed me some stewed stinky prunes that may have been in her pantry since she retired. This was not cool at all. I looked up from the dripping, nasty prunes in my hand and she had slammed the door on my face. Mrs. J looked through the door window. She crinkled up her face gave me one creepy ass grin and started to laugh uncontrollably. Guess Mrs. J does have a sense of humor after all.

Thanks for reading Freakin’ Dead Jed’s blog. Have a Happy Halloween!

Freakin’ Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Political Gain & Political Pain

I’ve been thinking about running for political office.  I could start off small, such as city dog catcher.  The people of this city might as well be warned: if elected, I will eat every dog that I am able to catch.  Many zombies would be envious of my newly elected position and my opportunity to eat my weight in pooch pounds.  Just think of it as an incentive to keep your pooches in your damn yard!  Well, maybe I wouldn’t win dog catcher election on that platform.  What about a congressional or senate race bid for good old’ Jed?  I mean I couldn’t be any worse than the dead driftwood we have in power right now.  Seriously, the other day while watching TV, I found myself channel surfing and stopped on C-Span, one of those real rib tickling comedy channels, that the living must really enjoy.  After sticking with this choice for a few minutes, I couldn’t tell if I was watching the government in action or a real boring zombie flick!  Anyway, if I consider running for a political office, it would go along way towards regaining the respect for the zombie community.  Think about all the political rallies that my supporters would attend to hear me speak.  I would carefully outline my plan to bring back jobs, improve the economy, cut spending and eat the elderly before their “expiration date” is up.  Ooopps, I should probably keep that last political promise out of earshot of the voting public.  What they don’t know won’t hurt them.  Isn’t that the creed of all great politicians anyway?  Hell yeah it is!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's zombie blog!  I appreciate it very much.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A whole bus load of attitude

A week ago I laid down in the middle of the road when I saw this bus full of high school kids travelling in my direction. Once the driver slammed on the brakes and the bus came to a complete stop, I jumped up and came crashing through the door. The bus driver was horrified. She looked like I just announced the cancellation of her favorite soap opera. The kids, on the other hand, were not scared of me at all. Most of the brats shot spit wads at my head. I had to grab the bus driver just to use her as a human shield! What kind of a damn world do we occupy when the sight of a fierce, menacing zombie has little or no impact on a bunch of pimple faced geeks? It’s got to be those stupid teenage vampire movies. Ever since those cheesy movies became popular, the undead have not enjoyed the terror from humans that we once did. Women seem to consider monsters to be sexy or cute, rather than menacing. Give me a break! Well, I must admit the ladies do tell me I’m kind of sexy also, which has to be because of my rock hard abs, but that’s not the point here. The point is that monsters should be considered very frightening by one and all. Well, that lousy encounter with those kids inspired me to formulate a couple of new goals. First of all, I am going to make it my mission in the undead world to win back the respect for all zombies (werewolves and vampires are on their own; hey, I’m not running a charity here). Second, before my next attempt at high jacking a bus load of teenagers, I need to remind myself to wear a bee keeper’s mask. I picked spit wads out of my hair for five and half days afterwards. Good thing, I stopped sporting a hillbilly beard years ago.

Freakin’ Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.

Thanks for reading Freakin’ Dead Jed’s blog. Zombies are hoot. If you don’t believe me, just ask any other fan of great zombie action stories in movies and TV. Speaking of great zombie fighting TV, let’s all give enthusiastic welcome back to AMC’s “The Walking Dead” now in its second season! I know I can’t wait to watch this excellent show. The best way to celebrate a show like this one is to invest in great zombie art or art related merchandise available at my store. There are items for EVERY BUDGET! Click now on the link below to own your own piece of zombie Americana today!

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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Freakin’ Dead Jed’s old hippie recipe

Staggered around the city park today and it made me think that I need to get an upgrade in hunting grounds.  Spotted some old stoner hippie couple sitting under a tree doing yoga and eating granola.  Well, I made the unfortunate mistake of walking on over to see if I might be able to “invite them to lunch”.  Of course I don’t speak the language of the Woodstock generation, but it wouldn’t have mattered any way.  I didn’t realize it at the time but these two were so completely baked, filled with their own special brand of “herbs and spices”, if you know what I mean, that after chewing on these two old hippies, I looked at my own hands and couldn’t stop giggling from all the crazy hallucinations.  Really, not only were these two rather toxic to my digestive system….they tasted OLD!  What in the undead world was I thinking?!  I must have been nuckin’ futs.  Somebody should have put an expiration date or best when used by date on old hippies, before one of us poor zombies gets food poisoning or reefer madness….

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog thoughts.  I appreciate it very much. 
Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A zombie's value menu....

The other day it occurred to me that we don’t see enough zombie entrepreneurs. I mean what’s up with that? Just because zombies are undead, doesn’t mean that we can’t form the necessary pattern of thought involved to be a top notch zombie entrepreneur. I was thinking, for instance, that a zombie with the means to do so, could get a hold of one of those lunch wagon vans. You know, the ones you see parked next to construction sites or outside of a business district, where workers can grab a quick bite. Anyway, a lunch wagon van for zombies might be a smashing success. I’m not exactly sure how the business model would work really, since most of us zombies don’t carry around money to pay for lunch…hence why we do a lot of human hunting, which tends to be a “free” meal of sorts. SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER, I just got an idea! I could drive my zombie lunch van to Wall Street and then onto Silicon Valley. Anybody with half a brain knows that when we take over these two particular areas, the newly infected zombies there will be loaded with cash and very, very hungry! The newly minted zombie millionaires will be so hungry, they won’t care if they have to pay premium prices from the menu items on my lunch van. Now I’m getting somewhere. So now I would like to get a rough idea regarding my top ten lunch items that could be on the menu….coming soon to a zombie millionaire infested city near you:

10. Ladyfinger Sandwiches (extra finger toppings available)

9. PB & J Sandwich (peanut butter & some woman named Jilly)

8. Nasty, Bloody Foot In A Footlong Sandwich

7. Tongue Taco

6. Liver Quiver Jello

5. Pancreas Pudding

4. Kidney Nuggets

3. Steak –n- Legs

2. Pop –n- Fresh Eyeballs (betcha can’t eat just one!)

1. Braaaaaaaains O’Burger

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog!  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.