Sunday, January 13, 2013
It’s been a few weeks since we were used as extras in the movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” and it’s been a little boring lately. At least until the ugliness of winter grabbed me and my zombie friends by the onions! It’s been cold in the graveyard, well, colder than normal anyway. Have you ever seen a zombie try to move around in the snow? Most zombies can’t handle it. What flexibility a zombie has in his rotten muscles seems be lost in the unforgiving weather. While most zombies may have this trouble, they are not of extraordinary strength, intelligence and determination like I am. Look, it’s not bragging if it’s true! So, we encountered a blizzard a few days ago. I was walking around with my dog, Goo, and my girlfriend, Stacey. It was dry and sunny at one point and 50 degrees outside. Within an hour of our walk, the temp dropped to 10 degrees and we had 7 inches of snow on the ground. Global warming, my ass! I sent Stacey and Goo home, with the promise I would bring home some dinner. Using my best improvisational tactics, I grabbed a couple old tennis rackets in a storage shed behind some old dude’s garage. I just knew snow shoes would come in handy in a situation like this and my expertise would allow me to make a pair with the aid of bubble gum and paper clips. I keep bubble gum and paper clips in my pockets, as it’s good to be prepared for anything. The old guy, who owned the tennis rackets, came out just as I had finished making my primitive snow shoes. Holy Crap…. SON…. OF…. A…. SWAMP MOTHER!!! The old guy wasn’t any ordinary old guy; he was none other than tennis legend, John McEnroe. He looked pretty pissed as he stood on his back deck, even through the haze of falling snow. All of a sudden, McEnroe started to yell a lot of cuss words and picked up a crossbow. He started firing arrows at me! Who knew this guy lived in the area and was a fan of The Walking Dead’s Daryl Dixon and his famous weaponry? Yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen the show too. Who hasn’t? So, as I was doing summersaults in this back yard, trying to avoid McEnroe’s arrows, I noticed some kids in the corner of my eye. Their dad was with them and they were all in their own backyard building a snow man. The dad noticed me and laughed uproariously. He yelled, “Look, Caleb and Conner! That strange man over there who’s doing gymnastics; he looks like Daffy Duck bouncing around out here!” That was my chance. McEnroe was thrown off guard by the loud yelling from his next door neighbor. He dropped his crossbow which disappeared into a snow bank. By the time McEnroe found it, I was long gone. Next time I go out in winter weather, I hope somebody will remind me to limit my activity to making snow angels on the ground!
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