Sunday, December 18, 2011

Even zombies get the blues......

It’s been a week since I lost my job at the meat counter.  Of course, I could have lost my head just like Cuttin’ Carl did, but that’s a different can of worms.  It’s not like Carl was using it anyway.  In my unemployed state, it has been apparent that depression is starting to creep in.  For one, I’ve been overeating quite a bit.  Usually a zombie eats three humans a day, but since getting fired, I’ve overindulged with a whopping extra seven humans.  Two of my zombie pals, Boner and Slickman, became pissed at me.  Boner said, “If you continue to overeat beyond your share of the humans, Jed, dwarfs will be the only nourishment left for the rest of us!”  (Dwarfs are basically the appetizers in the zombie meal plan.  They’re tasty, but a zombie can not be sustained with these bite-sized morsels.)  I responded to Boner, “You’d think you knuckleheads would have something better to do than to worry about my eating habits.”  I guess I can’t fart without the rest of the zombies worrying about how it affects the graveyard culture.  Maybe I should start a zombie biker gang.  With me in charge of the biker gang, there would be an established pecking order to how things go down, with no room for complainers.  I already have my Harley, thanks to Cuttin’ Carl.  Now where can I find the rest of the members of my club?

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Jed's bad career move

I went into work today and……..was fired from the meat counter.  I asked Cuttin’ Carl why would I, the great and noble zombie, Freakin’ Dead Jed, deserve such a cruel and quick ending to a stellar butcher career.  Cuttin’ Carl hurled his accusation, “Some of the customers have called to complain stating the hamburger and sausage meat tastes very funny.  Jed, you must have contaminated the meat in some manner!”  I responded gruffly, “You’ve got to be kidding me??!!  I am the most professional butcher on this staff! I wear a hair net, the gloves and an apron every damn day.  My customer service skills are of the highest quality.  True, I ate that millionaire a couple of weeks ago, but that moron had it coming.  Consider it a public service.”  Cuttin’ Carl replied, “You see, that’s just it, Jed.  We can’t have you going around eating the customers because of their own lack of good judgment.  Corporate office is a little upset over all this and you have to go.”  I waited for a good minute to decide my next strategy.  Staring Cuttin’ Carl down, I said, “Perhaps, I will let you live through this, Carl, if you give me the keys to your Harley.”  Cuttin’ Carl exclaimed, “What?!  You’re nuts!  No way in Hell will I give you the keys to my Harley!  You see all these knives and cleavers around here, well, they don’t call me Cuttin’ Carl for nothing, you loser….now get out of here!!”  Carl’s empty, decapitated head will make a fantastic gumball dispenser back at the graveyard and the Harley sure is a sweet ride, but I am going to miss that butcher gig…..

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Thanksgiving’s misgivings

So Thanksgiving came and went and we were really busy at the meat counter.  Two days before the holiday, the town’s wealthiest man, Mr. Buck Sterling Silver III, came into the grocery store.  He walked right up to me and said, “I am here to pick up the three dozen frozen turkeys I special ordered for the Thanksgiving holiday.”  I turned to Cuttin’ Carl and he confirmed that this millionaire has a standing order of three dozen turkeys every year.  In my amazement, I said to Mr. Silver, “Wow, you must be feeding an army!”  He responded, “No, one is for my family and I am dropping off five to the local homeless shelter.”  I questioned, “What about the other 30 turkeys that you’re hauling out of here, surely you have plans for them?”  Mr. Silver gave a sharp answer, “Oh, I have plans most certainly.  I have next door neighbor who is a vegan.  Every year I strategically plant the 30 turkeys throughout his yard with 30 R.I.P. tombstones, cut from plywood.  As an added bonus, I give each turkey a name such as Charlie, Harold, etc. and I have the names printed onto the corresponding tombstones.  The best part is that the vegan and his family go out of town every Thanksgiving and arrive home to his turkey graveyard!  It’s hilarious!”  It’s great to see a white trash millionaire making his mark on the world.  I ambushed Mr. Silver in the parking lot and put my “mark” on his head with a ferocious zombie bite.    

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio & Paul Addison.