Sunday, September 23, 2012

Welcome back Jed!

So I was released from my jail sentence.  Felt good to be free once again and I added “ex-con” to my long list of accomplishments since I’ve been a zombie.  I walked back to the graveyard where Stacey and Goo “welcomed” me at our tombstones.  Stacey said, “Jed, where the red hot hell have you been for the last three days?  I’ve been worried sick about you.  Goo has been so upset that he’s been running in circles and chasing his decomposing tail.  Honestly, when he caught it, ripped it off and the maggots came pouring out!  I might be your zombie girlfriend, Jed, but I don’t want to deal with a mess like that again.  I had to have Boner clean up the nasty little beasts, which looked disturbing as well, a memory which will forever scar what’s left of my rotting brain.”  I scratched my head in amazement.  “Let me get this straight,” I responded, “For the last three days I was missing, you had no idea where I could have gone, but the only thing you’ve been trouble by was the fact that Goo lost part of his ass in his chaotic tail chase mode?”  Stacey smiled, “Well, no, I was also kind of worried about you too, but I figured that you’re a big zombie capable of taking care of himself and that your friends would tell me if I should be extremely worried.”  I gave Stacey a sideways glance and said, “It’s a long story, but let’s just say I was incarcerated for a showdown with a feisty pay phone.”   Stacey responded, “Your undead life is a magnet for troublesome adventures.  Hanging out with you is like one endless episode of the Jerry Springer show!”  I said, “Yeah, and one hell of a ride it is.”  Stacey leaned over and gave me kiss and the next thing I know we were playing tonsil hockey.  There’s an image for you:  two zombies engaged in a big, fat, harry lip lock…..  Go ahead and enjoy your breakfast!
Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  You know that Halloween is just around the corner.  By clicking on the link below, you'll have the golden opportunity to invest in zombie and sci-fi related artwork and merchandise to commemorate the festive occasion!  You'll find affordable artwork and merchandise for every budget, so act today and impress your friends.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The jail bird flies.......

After a couple of days in the slammer, it became apparent the county prison guards became tired of my antics.  Oh sure, they made me public enemy over a violated pay phone, but when I tried to provide a little levity and entertain my fellow inmates, the guards showed me no love or respect for my ability to brighten such a depressing place.  By the way, I don’t remember hearing any complaints from the owner of the pay phone; I provided that pay phone with the most action it’s had in 15 years.  Anyhoo, to illustrate the straw that broke the camel’s back, let me explain what happened:  Wednesday, I was out in the exercise yard with the other county jail inmates, when boredom overtook me.  How could I enhance the enjoyable experience of every convict out here?  How could I show everyone here that zombies aren’t just dead lunatics on a flesh eating binge, but are genuine entertainers for people to enjoy and to help them to forget their troubles for a little while?  Then the idea hit me like Aunt Flo hits the lady folks out there once a month!  I saw a group of inmates out sitting around a picnic table, smoking and comparing tattoos.  Walked up to these men and said, “Guess where I was at before standing here and meeting you interesting gents just now.”  One of the inmates said, “Ok, I’ll ask…..where have you been?”  With a little bit of zombie magic, I grabbed my head on either side and popped my neck out of place which looked like a wet noodle.  Then I let my head flop upside down out of the grasp of my hands.  I answered back with a ghoulish smile and chuckle, “A hanging.”  Nobody in the exercise yard appreciated my sense of humor; all the big tough convicts fainted at the sight of my little gag. Well, let’s just say my sentence was commuted almost immediately to freedom.  Guess I know when I’m not wanted……SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!
Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Jail house confessions

Today was my first day of serving my jail sentence for the brawl that went down between me and the payphone.  In case you’re wondering, I did get my fingers unstuck from the coin return.  It happened during the strip search in the booking process.  I was so shocked at being strip searched that my whole body contracted.  Did I get my one phone call?  Hell no!  But then again, no zombie at the grave yard has a mobile phone.  So, in my cell there were two drunks, one sleeping on either side of me on the bench.  If fact, each one was leaning on me and causing great discomfort which you can not imagine.  Finally, drunk #1 woke up, scratched his week old beard, picked his nose and said, “Say buddy, what time is it?”  His breath smelled like rotten eggs and stale beer.  After finding out that his name was Denton, I responded, “Time for you to take your smelly ass to the other side of the cell.”  My stern statement woke up Vladamir (drunk #2).  Vladamir was only interested in one thing, “Uhhh, comrade, do you have a smoke?”  Vladamir was most certainly an expert in vodka.  He smelled like it had been running through his veins since before the start of The Cold War.  I chuckled and said, “Vladamir, the cops don’t allowing smoking in the cells, and even if they did, it is very bad for your health.  You don’t want that crap.”  Vladamir and Denton both thought that was funny.  In their amusement at my free medical advice, they laughed almost uncontrollably.  Vladamir started to belch and Denton joined in by farting in perfect concert pitch.  The stench almost put me down, that’s right a stinkin’ zombie such as myself was almost overpowered by the evil gases which permeated the room.  I waited for my two new friends to calm back down.  Then I unbuttoned my shirt, pulled back my flesh and revealed the black lungs inside my rib cage.  Vladamir and Denton couldn’t have sobered up any quicker.  Denton yelled for the cops to let them out, while Vladamir prayed for his misfortune to turn around, something along the lines that he’d never take another drop of alcohol ever again if God would help him out of this desperate situation.  Yeah, I’ve heard that before.  
Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Hey Jed, just phone it in.....

You may have noticed that most pay phones have gone away, much like the proverbial dinosaur of this day and age.  Guess the world is addicted to cell phones.  I suppose that is easy to understand.  Most people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, but cell phones bring another element into the equation.  Show me a person walking and talking on his cell phone and I will show you a dude about to fall into an open man hole as he’s walking down the street!  Anyway, the other night I was bored, so I went out for a walk.  After I chomped a brain or two from a couple of security guards who were keeping late night watch over a nearby parking garage, I saw a pay phone within a few yards east of garage.  Wow, I thought I was seeing things for a moment!  Who in the hell uses pay phones in this day and age of digital wizardry?  So after a long pause, I thought to myself, I’ll bet there is a fortune of coins in that old pay phone.  You might ask, “What does a zombie need with pay phone change?”  Well, Christmas is not too far away and now I have a girlfriend who expects gifts.  Plus, I need to have something to drop into the charity buckets outside of the department stores.  That way my conscience is clear when I attack the volunteers in charge of such charity buckets!  So, I swaggered over to the pay phone and stuck my fingers into the coin return slot and fished around for some coinage and…. found…. NOTHING!  Damn!  Oh well, I figured I would just move on and maybe I would be able to find another pay phone or some drunk to roll for his pocket change.  Great, my fat fingers were stuck in this damn phone!  I couldn’t get them out.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  Now what was I supposed to do??  I started to panic.  I could have just chewed off the half rotten appendages, but that is not the way of a zombie of incredible distinction, such as me.  Thinking back to my days as a first rate martial arts instructor, I started to round house kick this pay phone in hopes of dislodging my fingers from this sinister machine.  First one and then two kicks at a time.  Finally, I was kicking the crap out of this little bitch!  The little coin whore had it coming.  One roundhouse kick, right after another quickly came from my lethal weapon legs.  Chuck Norris would be proud, even if I was still not having any luck of dislodging my fingers from that stupid pay phone.  Just then, I heard a patrol car screeching down the street.  Oh great.  The cop bounced out of his car like he was getting ready to take down a serial killer.  He yelled, “Stop or I’ll have to shoot you!!”  Without even giving me the chance to explain my situation, Barney Fife Lite shot me with his taser and damn near fried my giblets into oblivion.  Next thing I knew, the cop hauled me, with the pay phone in-tow, right to the slammer.  Another night of hard luck for a good zombie; guess I should have stayed home and took another dirt nap.

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I really appreciated it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.