Sunday, September 16, 2012
The jail bird flies.......
After a couple of days in the slammer, it became apparent the county prison guards became tired of my antics. Oh sure, they made me public enemy over a violated pay phone, but when I tried to provide a little levity and entertain my fellow inmates, the guards showed me no love or respect for my ability to brighten such a depressing place. By the way, I don’t remember hearing any complaints from the owner of the pay phone; I provided that pay phone with the most action it’s had in 15 years. Anyhoo, to illustrate the straw that broke the camel’s back, let me explain what happened: Wednesday, I was out in the exercise yard with the other county jail inmates, when boredom overtook me. How could I enhance the enjoyable experience of every convict out here? How could I show everyone here that zombies aren’t just dead lunatics on a flesh eating binge, but are genuine entertainers for people to enjoy and to help them to forget their troubles for a little while? Then the idea hit me like Aunt Flo hits the lady folks out there once a month! I saw a group of inmates out sitting around a picnic table, smoking and comparing tattoos. Walked up to these men and said, “Guess where I was at before standing here and meeting you interesting gents just now.” One of the inmates said, “Ok, I’ll ask…..where have you been?” With a little bit of zombie magic, I grabbed my head on either side and popped my neck out of place which looked like a wet noodle. Then I let my head flop upside down out of the grasp of my hands. I answered back with a ghoulish smile and chuckle, “A hanging.” Nobody in the exercise yard appreciated my sense of humor; all the big tough convicts fainted at the sight of my little gag. Well, let’s just say my sentence was commuted almost immediately to freedom. Guess I know when I’m not wanted……SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!
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