Monday, April 30, 2012

Granny Rose, Zombie Huntress

Granny Rose, with her huge ass hummer, came barreling down the street.  I thought she was going to run right over me, but as luck would have it, a strange turn of events occurred.  Her hummer came to an abrupt halt with a plum of grayish blue smoke which rolled out from underneath the hood.  Oooops, looks like Granny was a little too hard on her gas guzzling sled.  She hopped out of the giant SUV, all 4 foot 9 inches of her, and pulled a remote out of her pocket.  With one quick click of the button, the back end of hummer opened up and out came an ATV which looked just like Granny’s hummer except only more petit.   So with a goose step over to the miniature hummer, Granny was ready for hot pursuit once again!  Zombie vs. Granny, a fight to the death, should she ever catch up to me.  I guess it would become personal at that point. It was amusing how she could barely see over the steering wheel of the ATV.  I can’t wait to see what Granny does with her walker.  I can only imagine it is probably made out of titanium with steel spikes protruding from the frame.  Anyway, I led her on a chase through the woods and over around the hills surrounding the graveyard.  My ears could faintly make out the cuss words coming from Granny’s lips.  Whoa!  She cussed like a sailor on shore leave.  One thing is for certain, Granny didn’t learn those cuss words while playing Yahtzee at the senior center downtown!  As I continued to run from her, suddenly I heard an extremely loud crash!!  Granny Rose and her ATV fell into a ravine.  Curiosity got the best of me, I had to run back and see what happened to the Granny.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Thanks for reading and, as always, your comments are welcome!  Spread the word, tell your family and friends about this blog.

Monday, April 23, 2012

A Catastrophe of Convenience.....

Stopped by the convenience store next door to the graveyard last week to stir up some action and I got more than I bargained for, seriously.  It amazes me that a store like this still exists.  The store’s prices were way too high and so was the clerk standing behind the counter.  Did my eyes deceive me or was that a bong sticking out of his army jacket? His name tag read, “Wally” and his eyelids were half closed.  I don’t know who looked more zombie like, this dude or me!  Thought I would have a little fun with old Wally here so I said, “Say there young man, do you carry any worm food?  The worms swimming around in my guts have expressed the desire for something different in the way of nourishment.  Guess you could say they’ve grown bored with my entrails.”  That got Wally’s attention.  Wally exclaimed, “OH CRAP!  You’re a-a-a Z-Z-Z-ZOMBIE!”  With one fantastic jump over the counter, Wally hit floor running with great speed any track star would envy and ran towards the back of the store.  So, I walked in that direction only to find that Wally had found the panic room and locked the door behind him.  I said, “Come now, Wally, I was just messing with you.  If I would have wanted to eat you, you would have been a goner by now.  I’ve had my fill of human brains and flesh tonight.  It’s all good.”  Wally yelled back beyond the door in a voice of pure indignation, “No way, man, I’ve watched all the Romero classics.  No zombie ever gets his fill!  Now, get out of here, before I call the cops or….worse yet, I’ll call Grandma Rose who owns this place.  You don’t want to mess with her.  She served as an army nurse in Korea and later went on to torture spies as a CIA operative.  You don’t want to get on her bad side!”  Nothing but silence from Wally for five long minutes, so I got tired of messing with this guy.  I thought to myself, I’ll leave Wally alone to get back to his reefer madness.  Besides, Stacey and Goo are probably waiting up for me back at the graveyard.  Walked back through the store and made my way out the front door, when all of a sudden I heard a loud rumbling coming down the street.  This huge hummer was speeding and heading towards the convenience store.  No, it couldn’t be….  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  It was Granny Rose and she did not look happy!

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Monday, April 16, 2012

An appointment with Dr. Lutzman

I met a new face amongst the zombie crowd in our graveyard neighborhood.  The new guy’s name is Dr. Leo Oscar Lutzman.  As a zombie, I must say this guy is especially ugly.  I’ve seen a nicer look from a rotten head of cabbage!  Lutzman has a nine iron sticking out of the top of his head.  The good doctor must have been a really bad golfer for his golf buddies to do that dastardly deed to him.  If it was the game of Clue, I’d go with Colonel Mustard in the ballroom with the nine iron.  Oh…. Wait a minute.  Now I remember this guy!  When he was still human, Lutzman was sued for malpractice on seven different occasions.  He was also a bit of a scam artist.  This old doc worked the medical insurance fraud circuit extensively.  Wow, what a scumbag!  Perhaps, the nine iron planted firmly inside this dude’s cranium was a lovely parting gift from one of his badly treated patients.  Well, Dr. Lutzman also has a poor dead side manner as a zombie.  Spoke with many of the other zombies in our cemetery and it seems there are rumors that Lutzman may have been a grave robber when he was still human!  Oh boy, things could get really tough for Lutzman if that is true.  If it’s one thing that zombies and other undead creatures can all join together against, it’s the treasonous act of grave robbery.   It was really amusing to me, when later that night, Fog the zombie bounty hunter came after old Dr. Lutzman.  It seems that Lutzman was wanted for crimes against zombies in another graveyard!  Fog was a pretty cool zombie.  I’ve heard about Fog, but had never seen him before.  His zombie mullet was flowing ferociously in the wind as Fog grabbed Lutzman by the nine iron and hauled the quack away to face his accusers.  It was awesome!  There’s never a dull moment around this graveyard.  Eternal rest my ass!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Graveyard: A Spring Break Getaway

Well, last Friday night was interesting to say the least. My zombie girlfriend, Stacey, was out with her new zombie friends, oh I don’t know, doing zombie girl things I would suppose. So I went out for some fresh air. I was walking with my zombie dog, Goo, in the woods which skirt around the graveyard, when I heard a loud commotion up at the top of the hill. Goo really took notice and his ears really perked up. When  we looked up to the top of the hill and spotted a bunch of college kids up there preparing to have a kegger! Just great! SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!! Of all the thousands of miles of coastal beaches that we have in this country, a group of college students pick out our little graveyard hamlet to stage a spring break party. I really have to wonder about the future generation. From the sound of it, the majority of these kids were already wasted beyond belief.  One big dude came running down the hill making a beeline for the woods. I ducked behind one of the big oak trees, because I wanted to see what this guy was up to. The college kid made his way over to pine tree, probably about 25 yards from the tree I was spying from behind. Oh great, Big Hoss was preparing to take a leak! You know that really pissed me off. It’s one thing to use our graveyard as a party station, and quite another thing to use it as a toilet. There’s a convenience store with a working public toilet right next door to the graveyard.
Made up my mind right then and there, I would have a little fun with big hoss. Goo and I put on our scariest zombie faces and used our scariest zombie moans and groans, and set out to put this lunatic on the path to common sense. He was so scared; I think he crapped his pants. In fact, big hoss took off running without even zipping up his fly! Hilarious! As he screamed, like a little girl I might add, his piss was flinging everywhere especially on his jeans. My zombie comrades popped out of their graves to have a look around and we all chased the brain dead college kids off our turf. Hey, kids, next time find a tree house for your little beer party, and leave the graveyard to grownups.

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.