Get your motors runnin'

So our zombie biker gang, The Rotten & Ripe Riders, went on our first ride together just the other night.  It was glorious!  It feels good to be an outlaw zombie biker.  We created mayhem.  First, we rode out to Easy Rest Haven, a nursing home for elderly folks in our city.  We teased the old people sitting on the front porch to stop gumming their pudding, get off their lazy butts and to hunt down some food for dinner.  They were a little confused, although unafraid, at first, so we said that we were executives from the nursing home’s office and were there to let them know that the nursing home was out of food.  That got the old folks’ attention.  About two-thirds of the folks sitting there went over to the koi pond on the property and attempted to grab fish out of the water with their bare hands!  Hilarious! We’re so bad ass!  Then we rode out to the grocery store that I worked at for a while as a butcher.  Took the shopping carts from the outside cart racks and used them to form pyramids!  Once the police arrived, we rode out of there in a hurry. We’re so bad ass!  The next place we went was to drive by statue of the founder of our great city.  It is a statue of General Zeke “Bubba” Goldberg.  He was an accomplished man, kind of a redneck Jewish dude who had a penchant for playing checkers, making moonshine, stuffing cash in his mattress and eating kosher foods.  That statue looked great adorned in TP!  That’s right, we wrapped toilet paper all around him; when we were finished, poor Bubba looked like he was wearing a toga!  We’re so bad ass!  Our last stop was to get a quick bite to eat before heading back home, so we settled on a Chinese restaurant just three blocks away from the graveyard.  Damn, those Asian people’s brains tasted great!  The only problem is that an hour later and I was hungry again.  We’re so bad ass and undead!    


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Bad Ass & Bizarre

Went down to a biker bar to recruit bikers for my zombie biker gang and found success, you might say.   This isn’t just any biker bar I went to, mind you.  It is a biker bar for biker rejects.  These are guys who can’t get into any other biker gang.  The bar is called “Bob’s Booze –N- Barf” and it had some real characters.  My instincts to turn these guys into zombies turned out to be excellent.  A guy named Frank “The Shank” was the first biker chosen to be in my gang.  I think his actual IQ increased after being turned into a zombie.  His idea of a keen fashion sense is to wear a gas mask with his leather jacket.  Oh well, guess old Frank will be prepared just in case the guy riding in front of him farts.  Then there is Larry, whom everybody calls “Orange Juice”.  He earned this nickname because the last man that Larry fought in a brawl felt “freshly squeezed” after that particular altercation.  Another one of my prized biker picks is a dude named Ike “The Toothpick.”  You might ask yourself, “Is Ike called that because he’s super skinny?”  Well, you might think so, but that is not the case.  Ike has one, unusually long, skinny, mutated front tooth, which he can use to pick any type of lock.  So, as you can tell, I have one ugly, scary, hardboiled crew to ride my hog along side in our gang called “Rotten & Ripe Riders”!  Heck, next to this bunch, I might look like George Clooney to any woman with questionable eyesight.  

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Just a few good bikers......

Yeah, so my plan to recruit my zombie pals, Boner and Slickman, into my biker gang ended with them acting like big babies.  Those two would have been better ghosts than zombies, because they’re “transparent” and I can see right through their steaming pile of bull chips.  Oh well, guess the public library could use a couple of zombie nerds like them to help keep the human nerd herd under control.  So, I decided to take my biker gang recruiting efforts to the city.  Went to the local motorcycle dealership to scout for biker material and all I found was a bunch of “posers” trying to recapture lost youth or manage a midlife crisis.  You know, there were a bunch of dudes down at that dealership who work as doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc., but want to show a weekend wild streak by owning and riding around on a hog and looking like an outlaw biker while doing it.  What’s this world coming to?  I suppose I can give doctors a pass, but lawyers and bankers, come on, really?  These two groups of prime slime are already pretending to be human beings when at work, why do they have to continue the masquerade by pretending to be bikers on the weekend?  Ridiculous!  Anyway, I left the motorcycle dealership in utter frustration, thinking that my quest for biker talent might be in trouble when I suddenly received a flash of brilliance across my mind!  Maybe I should go to one of the local bars to recruit bikers?  Yeah, I’ll search for the ugliest, smelliest, craziest and loudest joint in the city to find whack jobs that I can turn into zombie bikers.  If nothing else I can start a bar tab and get reacquainted with the joys of a good whiskey sour. 

  

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I really appreciate.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Studio, Action Avenue Art Studio and Paul Addison. 

Zombie bikers, oh what fun!

Recruiting for my new zombie biker club has been very hard work.  Tried to talk some of my fellow zombies into it by selling them on the idea that riding motorcycles will make human hunting far more efficient, but they’re just not buying that idea.  Boner fell down in the fetal position and started sucking his thumb! What the hell is that all about, anyway?!  Slickman ran off screaming like a little girl.  Wow, I need to get better zombie friends, biker club or not.  Finally, Boner let me know the reason for their bad reaction to my zombie biker proposal.  Boner said, “We’re all scared of loud noises around here and cycles are incredibly loud!  We don’t even like load shotguns or chain saws which are generally being used by humans to defend their turf.  We, as zombies, just don’t see how riding motorcycles will improve are chances with the humans, Jed!  Slickman and I must decline your ground floor opportunity to participate in the biker gang.”  I responded, “You guys are a bunch of pussies! If I had the power to demote you from zombie to slug of the universe, I would.”  I then added, “What about recreation?  We could just ride the hogs for grins and giggles, you know, just to see how many bugs each one of us can catch in his teeth and not for human hunting purposes…..what do you say about that?  Hey, where did that idiot go?”  Next thing I know, looking about 75 feet from where I was standing to the street, Boner had already flagged down an ice cream truck driver and was choking down a frozen fudge bar.  Well, potentially good biker gang recruits in this graveyard might be hard to come by.  Might have to take my biker recruiting efforts into the city………

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Are you looking for a great way to invest some of that Christmas cash you got from Grandma?  Do you find that you've gained enough weight over the holidays that you now need to buy some new larger sized T shirts?  Well, click on the link below and you'll be taken to my Action Avenue Art Studio store.  There you'll find great artwork for your walls, outstanding T shirts for your body and much, much more at prices everyone can afford. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison. 

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Old Jed, New Year

Son of a swamp mother, am I wasted today!  That dude’s brain that I ate last night could not have been more pickled.  My first clue should have been his whiskey breath.  It literally curled my toe nails.  Oh well, I’ll be fine once I get the tried and true zombie hangover cure into my system.  What is the zombie hangover cure, you ask?  It is a combination of the following:  seven and a half ounces of kangaroo milk, a cup and three fourths of freshly ground tree bark, two and half moldy cupcakes, one wiener dog brain and five rusty nails.  Blend all that together and you have, well, a mess.  It’s the only cure for the “bad brain belches” that afflicts most zombies on New Years Day, after rolling a few drunks for their gray matter.  Once I recover, my plans to start recruiting bikers for my MC will get back on track.  Can’t hardly wait, I am so excited about this new biker gang opportunity that I think I’ll hug myself.  Ahhh, yeah, that’s the ticket!

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Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison. 

Even zombies get the blues......

It’s been a week since I lost my job at the meat counter.  Of course, I could have lost my head just like Cuttin’ Carl did, but that’s a different can of worms.  It’s not like Carl was using it anyway.  In my unemployed state, it has been apparent that depression is starting to creep in.  For one, I’ve been overeating quite a bit.  Usually a zombie eats three humans a day, but since getting fired, I’ve overindulged with a whopping extra seven humans.  Two of my zombie pals, Boner and Slickman, became pissed at me.  Boner said, “If you continue to overeat beyond your share of the humans, Jed, dwarfs will be the only nourishment left for the rest of us!”  (Dwarfs are basically the appetizers in the zombie meal plan.  They’re tasty, but a zombie can not be sustained with these bite-sized morsels.)  I responded to Boner, “You’d think you knuckleheads would have something better to do than to worry about my eating habits.”  I guess I can’t fart without the rest of the zombies worrying about how it affects the graveyard culture.  Maybe I should start a zombie biker gang.  With me in charge of the biker gang, there would be an established pecking order to how things go down, with no room for complainers.  I already have my Harley, thanks to Cuttin’ Carl.  Now where can I find the rest of the members of my club?

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Jed's bad career move

I went into work today and……..was fired from the meat counter.  I asked Cuttin’ Carl why would I, the great and noble zombie, Freakin’ Dead Jed, deserve such a cruel and quick ending to a stellar butcher career.  Cuttin’ Carl hurled his accusation, “Some of the customers have called to complain stating the hamburger and sausage meat tastes very funny.  Jed, you must have contaminated the meat in some manner!”  I responded gruffly, “You’ve got to be kidding me??!!  I am the most professional butcher on this staff! I wear a hair net, the gloves and an apron every damn day.  My customer service skills are of the highest quality.  True, I ate that millionaire a couple of weeks ago, but that moron had it coming.  Consider it a public service.”  Cuttin’ Carl replied, “You see, that’s just it, Jed.  We can’t have you going around eating the customers because of their own lack of good judgment.  Corporate office is a little upset over all this and you have to go.”  I waited for a good minute to decide my next strategy.  Staring Cuttin’ Carl down, I said, “Perhaps, I will let you live through this, Carl, if you give me the keys to your Harley.”  Cuttin’ Carl exclaimed, “What?!  You’re nuts!  No way in Hell will I give you the keys to my Harley!  You see all these knives and cleavers around here, well, they don’t call me Cuttin’ Carl for nothing, you loser….now get out of here!!”  Carl’s empty, decapitated head will make a fantastic gumball dispenser back at the graveyard and the Harley sure is a sweet ride, but I am going to miss that butcher gig…..

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.