Jail house confessions

Today was my first day of serving my jail sentence for the brawl that went down between me and the payphone.  In case you’re wondering, I did get my fingers unstuck from the coin return.  It happened during the strip search in the booking process.  I was so shocked at being strip searched that my whole body contracted.  Did I get my one phone call?  Hell no!  But then again, no zombie at the grave yard has a mobile phone.  So, in my cell there were two drunks, one sleeping on either side of me on the bench.  If fact, each one was leaning on me and causing great discomfort which you can not imagine.  Finally, drunk #1 woke up, scratched his week old beard, picked his nose and said, “Say buddy, what time is it?”  His breath smelled like rotten eggs and stale beer.  After finding out that his name was Denton, I responded, “Time for you to take your smelly ass to the other side of the cell.”  My stern statement woke up Vladamir (drunk #2).  Vladamir was only interested in one thing, “Uhhh, comrade, do you have a smoke?”  Vladamir was most certainly an expert in vodka.  He smelled like it had been running through his veins since before the start of The Cold War.  I chuckled and said, “Vladamir, the cops don’t allowing smoking in the cells, and even if they did, it is very bad for your health.  You don’t want that crap.”  Vladamir and Denton both thought that was funny.  In their amusement at my free medical advice, they laughed almost uncontrollably.  Vladamir started to belch and Denton joined in by farting in perfect concert pitch.  The stench almost put me down, that’s right a stinkin’ zombie such as myself was almost overpowered by the evil gases which permeated the room.  I waited for my two new friends to calm back down.  Then I unbuttoned my shirt, pulled back my flesh and revealed the black lungs inside my rib cage.  Vladamir and Denton couldn’t have sobered up any quicker.  Denton yelled for the cops to let them out, while Vladamir prayed for his misfortune to turn around, something along the lines that he’d never take another drop of alcohol ever again if God would help him out of this desperate situation.  Yeah, I’ve heard that before.  

 

 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Hey Jed, just phone it in.....

You may have noticed that most pay phones have gone away, much like the proverbial dinosaur of this day and age.  Guess the world is addicted to cell phones.  I suppose that is easy to understand.  Most people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, but cell phones bring another element into the equation.  Show me a person walking and talking on his cell phone and I will show you a dude about to fall into an open man hole as he’s walking down the street!  Anyway, the other night I was bored, so I went out for a walk.  After I chomped a brain or two from a couple of security guards who were keeping late night watch over a nearby parking garage, I saw a pay phone within a few yards east of garage.  Wow, I thought I was seeing things for a moment!  Who in the hell uses pay phones in this day and age of digital wizardry?  So after a long pause, I thought to myself, I’ll bet there is a fortune of coins in that old pay phone.  You might ask, “What does a zombie need with pay phone change?”  Well, Christmas is not too far away and now I have a girlfriend who expects gifts.  Plus, I need to have something to drop into the charity buckets outside of the department stores.  That way my conscience is clear when I attack the volunteers in charge of such charity buckets!  So, I swaggered over to the pay phone and stuck my fingers into the coin return slot and fished around for some coinage and…. found…. NOTHING!  Damn!  Oh well, I figured I would just move on and maybe I would be able to find another pay phone or some drunk to roll for his pocket change.  Great, my fat fingers were stuck in this damn phone!  I couldn’t get them out.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  Now what was I supposed to do??  I started to panic.  I could have just chewed off the half rotten appendages, but that is not the way of a zombie of incredible distinction, such as me.  Thinking back to my days as a first rate martial arts instructor, I started to round house kick this pay phone in hopes of dislodging my fingers from this sinister machine.  First one and then two kicks at a time.  Finally, I was kicking the crap out of this little bitch!  The little coin whore had it coming.  One roundhouse kick, right after another quickly came from my lethal weapon legs.  Chuck Norris would be proud, even if I was still not having any luck of dislodging my fingers from that stupid pay phone.  Just then, I heard a patrol car screeching down the street.  Oh great.  The cop bounced out of his car like he was getting ready to take down a serial killer.  He yelled, “Stop or I’ll have to shoot you!!”  Without even giving me the chance to explain my situation, Barney Fife Lite shot me with his taser and damn near fried my giblets into oblivion.  Next thing I knew, the cop hauled me, with the pay phone in-tow, right to the slammer.  Another night of hard luck for a good zombie; guess I should have stayed home and took another dirt nap.


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I really appreciated it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

For the love of the game....

Have you ever noticed that cemeteries and golf courses are eerily similar?  I have pondered that notion and have arrived at a conclusion.  Grave yards and golf courses are both known for nicely manicured grass.  Grave yards are known for their dead residents, while golf courses have many golfers with handicaps that are pretty much dead on arrival!  I’m kind of surprised that some creative, young entrepreneur has not jumped onto the idea of combining a grave yard and golf course together into one giant enterprise.  Think about the potential ways in which a grave yard/golf course could obtain new patrons.  When one of those geezers has a great golf game, he could then die a happy man and won’t even have to spend one night in the morgue.  Hell, if a golfer achieved a score of 54, his brain would meltdown at that very moment.  Instead of just installing regular sand traps, a few more golfers could meet their final happy day playing their favorite game by falling into a quick sand trap!  Well, the water hazards could also have a little different treatment at a golf course/grave yard.  I recommend either gators or piranha, for the golfer who wants a real water hazard challenge.  When you really think about it, the golf carts can also be enhanced to help the golfer along to his final bogey.  The brakes could be “adjusted” and the steering column could be “altered” so that every tree on the course could be one hell of a place to park, if you catch my drift.  Each tree could be fitted with a razor sharp pendulum mechanism to slice and dice any golf cart crashing into such a tree.  You see in my world, under par pretty much is equal to being underground….um uh, six feet underground. 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Say, isn't it time for a shameless plug?!  Of course it is.  Unique and great artistic gifts can be had at the link below.  Are you interested in collecting SCI-FI or zombie art and you don't know where to start?  Click on the link below for great art and art related merchandise for a low investment on your part. 

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Jed must be obsessed

The Good Guts & Gory club has been busy with all kinds of zombies coming from all over to patronize the club.  What’s left of my rancid heart has ached.  These zombies were supposed to become members of Brained & Stained.  Well, that settled it.  It was time for me to jump into action!  Behind Ike’s club where no other zombies had noticed me, I made a zip line from the back door of the building to the tall tree about 50 yards away.  My plan was in place.  I would take the zip line down and crash through the back door.  Now you might ask what good would it do for old Jed to zip line down and crash into the back door?  Well, I tied two sacks of manure on either side of me and once I crashed through into Ike’s club, it would be time for me to release the sacks of crap and spill it all over the inside of Good Guts & Gory.  Yes, I know it sounds like a lot of work just to sabotage Ike’s venture, but hey, I’m all about taking action.  So, I waited for the right time, around 9pm Friday night to unleash my manure madness upon Ike and his friends.  With a quick release, I zipped down and remembered much too late that the back door was iron just like the front one.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  With a thud, I bounced off the door and landed about 15 feet from it and that manure covered me from head to toe.  When I awoke from my daze I saw Ike, Stacey, Granny Rose, Boner and all the others standing around me.  Stacey hosed the manure off and cleaned me up quite nicely.  Then they hoisted me up on top of them and carried me over to Brained & Stained.  The entire time I was being carried, everyone sang a chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”.  Huh?  “Why would you do that?” I asked Ike and the rest of the gang.  Ike said, “You inspired me, Jed, to create an excellent club.  You think outside the box and, as a zombie, you’re the one we all look to for leadership and guidance.”  I was amazed, but Ike continued, “I want our clubs to join forces; in fact, we should merge them into one giant club that way every zombie can have the best of both worlds.”  Well, my heart grew three sizes that night, just like the heart belonging to the Grinch.  Well, not really, I am dead after all, so my heart is pretty much stale just like the rest of me, but you get my drift.  Wow, these zombies are cool…….. or more appropriately cool and cold, because of the death thing, don’t ya know?

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  Your time is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

The best laid plans....

Ike’s zombie health club, Good Guts & Gory, has been a huge success. Zombies were lined up around the block just to be the next lucky one to get in. The Brained & Stained club, by comparison, has been a little less busy. In fact, my entire zombie posse was standing in line at the health club today. Guess it’s one of those cases of “If you can’t beat them, join them”. Can’t believe those morons did me like that! The zombie gang may think they’ve taken my wheelbarrow full of hopes and dreams from me, but I have refused to give up!! Did the Colonel give up when he was told to take his white polyester suit wearing ass down the road when nobody initially wanted his fried chicken recipe? Of course he didn’t! The Colonel knew people needed his chicken, just like toothless hillbillies need meth. Likewise, zombies need this club….my club, whether they realize it or not. It can become THE place for zombies to unwind after a hard day in the undead world. Have a drink, play some pool and forget about the deranged humans who have tried so damn hard to split zombie skulls with their fancy crossbows! Seriously, who wants to go to a zombie health club? That sounds like a place for zombies with low self esteem who need to feel better about being among the undead population. You know, sit in a mud bath and magically gain the confidence to face another day of hunting humans. So, I will gather my thoughts, sit at the bar by myself and plan my next strategy. Well, I haven’t been entirely alone. I mean, there were a bunch of nats and flies congregating at the cream of eyeball chip dip that has been prepared for snackin’. They were good listeners.

Thank you for reading Freakin’ Dead Jed’s blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin’ Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Oh, Ike, no you didn’t!!

Things were going smoothly for “Brained & Stained”, our zombie club, until Ike decided to shake things up recently.  Remember, Ike wanted to install a liver salad bar in Brained & Stained, and as the zombie with the power to veto that motion, I had to do it.  Not to be thwarted by my lack of enthusiasm for his idea, Ike opened up a zombie health club to compete with our club.  I know, right?!  Just across the expanse of the old marble grove on the other side of the cemetery.  Apparently, Ike took over the gigantic Harry Johnson family mausoleum.  The Johnson family has not stayed there in years.  They all left for the warmer weather of the south.  Received a postcard from Harry just last week which said the tourists and old people in Florida are especially tasty this time of year.  Anyway, Ike has named his new zombie health club as, “Good Guts & Gory”.  Ike made his intentions clear to install mud baths spas, a liver salad bar, and some other weird exercise equipment in his club.  Can you believe it?!  If that wasn’t bad enough, our zombie gals, including Stacey and Granny Rose, seemed to have joined forces with Ike to help him get that venture off the ground.  They even have my dog, Goo, doing tricks in front of the place to help attract attention. I was less than thrilled when I yelled, “Stacey and Goo, you betrayed me!”  Who am I kidding?  At the end of the day, Stacey will still be my girl and Goo will still curl up by my feet and I will still be a little annoyed at them.    

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Say, you know what you need?  That's right you need to click on the link below to enter the awesome, cartoon art world of Freakin' Dead Jed.  Great gifts for any collector at great prices.  Order today!

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Even zombies are entitled to a holiday.....

The 4^th of July came and went, but we had a lot of fun in the old cemetery!  We enjoyed an awesome time of rest & recreation at our zombie club, “Brained & Stained”.  Stacey and Granny Rose made some homemade headcheese.  The cheese came from the head of a local candidate running for city council.  I doubt that he’ll miss it much as his brain hasn’t experienced much activity lately.  That’s what I hate about an election year:  empty political promises from empty headed morons.  Anyway, I also made some flesh burgers which I carved out of my latest victims….  Uh, I mean, dinner guests.  We played yard darts outside of the clubhouse.  Unfortunately for Slickman, a yard dart landed on his right leg and stuck him to a nearby tombstone!  He’ll probably be fine, that is if we can ever get him unstuck from that tombstone.  Cletus, our new zombie trucker buddy, brought some fireworks he had stashed away.  The problem with Cletus is that he was also a pyromaniac when he was among the living, so he kept setting himself on fire!  We also had a visit from zombies who served in our military from various wars.  A couple soldiers from the Civil War, a few from the Spanish-American War and, of course, a few from the American Revolutionary War all joined our zombie Independence Day celebration.  Talk about your moldy oldies! The zombified versions of General Patton and his comrade General MacArthur showed up and what a pleasant surprise that was!  Well, at least until the generals fought over the last of the intestine sausages.  Come on, Generals, show some mutual respect!  Had to make those two old gents arm wrestle just to make it a fair contest, and then of course, when they were the heat of battle and distracted…..yours truly ate the last of intestine sausages.  Ha Ha Heh,Heh!  Oh, they’ll get over it.  Just hope they don’t try to court martial me first. 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.