Granny Rose, Zombie Huntress

Granny Rose, with her huge ass hummer, came barreling down the street.  I thought she was going to run right over me, but as luck would have it, a strange turn of events occurred.  Her hummer came to an abrupt halt with a plum of grayish blue smoke which rolled out from underneath the hood.  Oooops, looks like Granny was a little too hard on her gas guzzling sled.  She hopped out of the giant SUV, all 4 foot 9 inches of her, and pulled a remote out of her pocket.  With one quick click of the button, the back end of hummer opened up and out came an ATV which looked just like Granny’s hummer except only more petit.   So with a goose step over to the miniature hummer, Granny was ready for hot pursuit once again!  Zombie vs. Granny, a fight to the death, should she ever catch up to me.  I guess it would become personal at that point. It was amusing how she could barely see over the steering wheel of the ATV.  I can’t wait to see what Granny does with her walker.  I can only imagine it is probably made out of titanium with steel spikes protruding from the frame.  Anyway, I led her on a chase through the woods and over around the hills surrounding the graveyard.  My ears could faintly make out the cuss words coming from Granny’s lips.  Whoa!  She cussed like a sailor on shore leave.  One thing is for certain, Granny didn’t learn those cuss words while playing Yahtzee at the senior center downtown!  As I continued to run from her, suddenly I heard an extremely loud crash!!  Granny Rose and her ATV fell into a ravine.  Curiosity got the best of me, I had to run back and see what happened to the Granny.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Thanks for reading and, as always, your comments are welcome!  Spread the word, tell your family and friends about this blog.

A Catastrophe of Convenience.....

Stopped by the convenience store next door to the graveyard last week to stir up some action and I got more than I bargained for, seriously.  It amazes me that a store like this still exists.  The store’s prices were way too high and so was the clerk standing behind the counter.  Did my eyes deceive me or was that a bong sticking out of his army jacket? His name tag read, “Wally” and his eyelids were half closed.  I don’t know who looked more zombie like, this dude or me!  Thought I would have a little fun with old Wally here so I said, “Say there young man, do you carry any worm food?  The worms swimming around in my guts have expressed the desire for something different in the way of nourishment.  Guess you could say they’ve grown bored with my entrails.”  That got Wally’s attention.  Wally exclaimed, “OH CRAP!  You’re a-a-a Z-Z-Z-ZOMBIE!”  With one fantastic jump over the counter, Wally hit floor running with great speed any track star would envy and ran towards the back of the store.  So, I walked in that direction only to find that Wally had found the panic room and locked the door behind him.  I said, “Come now, Wally, I was just messing with you.  If I would have wanted to eat you, you would have been a goner by now.  I’ve had my fill of human brains and flesh tonight.  It’s all good.”  Wally yelled back beyond the door in a voice of pure indignation, “No way, man, I’ve watched all the Romero classics.  No zombie ever gets his fill!  Now, get out of here, before I call the cops or….worse yet, I’ll call Grandma Rose who owns this place.  You don’t want to mess with her.  She served as an army nurse in Korea and later went on to torture spies as a CIA operative.  You don’t want to get on her bad side!”  Nothing but silence from Wally for five long minutes, so I got tired of messing with this guy.  I thought to myself, I’ll leave Wally alone to get back to his reefer madness.  Besides, Stacey and Goo are probably waiting up for me back at the graveyard.  Walked back through the store and made my way out the front door, when all of a sudden I heard a loud rumbling coming down the street.  This huge hummer was speeding and heading towards the convenience store.  No, it couldn’t be….  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  It was Granny Rose and she did not look happy!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Hey, you know the drill by now.  There are great gifts for the zombie/scifi freak in your life.  You might as well click on the link below and find something cool to buy at my Action Avenue Studio store.  Go ahead, you know you want to.

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An appointment with Dr. Lutzman

I met a new face amongst the zombie crowd in our graveyard neighborhood.  The new guy’s name is Dr. Leo Oscar Lutzman.  As a zombie, I must say this guy is especially ugly.  I’ve seen a nicer look from a rotten head of cabbage!  Lutzman has a nine iron sticking out of the top of his head.  The good doctor must have been a really bad golfer for his golf buddies to do that dastardly deed to him.  If it was the game of Clue, I’d go with Colonel Mustard in the ballroom with the nine iron.  Oh…. Wait a minute.  Now I remember this guy!  When he was still human, Lutzman was sued for malpractice on seven different occasions.  He was also a bit of a scam artist.  This old doc worked the medical insurance fraud circuit extensively.  Wow, what a scumbag!  Perhaps, the nine iron planted firmly inside this dude’s cranium was a lovely parting gift from one of his badly treated patients.  Well, Dr. Lutzman also has a poor dead side manner as a zombie.  Spoke with many of the other zombies in our cemetery and it seems there are rumors that Lutzman may have been a grave robber when he was still human!  Oh boy, things could get really tough for Lutzman if that is true.  If it’s one thing that zombies and other undead creatures can all join together against, it’s the treasonous act of grave robbery.   It was really amusing to me, when later that night, Fog the zombie bounty hunter came after old Dr. Lutzman.  It seems that Lutzman was wanted for crimes against zombies in another graveyard!  Fog was a pretty cool zombie.  I’ve heard about Fog, but had never seen him before.  His zombie mullet was flowing ferociously in the wind as Fog grabbed Lutzman by the nine iron and hauled the quack away to face his accusers.  It was awesome!  There’s never a dull moment around this graveyard.  Eternal rest my ass!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

The Graveyard: A Spring Break Getaway

Well, last Friday night was interesting to say the least. My zombie girlfriend, Stacey, was out with her new zombie friends, oh I don’t know, doing zombie girl things I would suppose. So I went out for some fresh air. I was walking with my zombie dog, Goo, in the woods which skirt around the graveyard, when I heard a loud commotion up at the top of the hill. Goo really took notice and his ears really perked up. When  we looked up to the top of the hill and spotted a bunch of college kids up there preparing to have a kegger! Just great! SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!! Of all the thousands of miles of coastal beaches that we have in this country, a group of college students pick out our little graveyard hamlet to stage a spring break party. I really have to wonder about the future generation. From the sound of it, the majority of these kids were already wasted beyond belief.  One big dude came running down the hill making a beeline for the woods. I ducked behind one of the big oak trees, because I wanted to see what this guy was up to. The college kid made his way over to pine tree, probably about 25 yards from the tree I was spying from behind. Oh great, Big Hoss was preparing to take a leak! You know that really pissed me off. It’s one thing to use our graveyard as a party station, and quite another thing to use it as a toilet. There’s a convenience store with a working public toilet right next door to the graveyard.
Made up my mind right then and there, I would have a little fun with big hoss. Goo and I put on our scariest zombie faces and used our scariest zombie moans and groans, and set out to put this lunatic on the path to common sense. He was so scared; I think he crapped his pants. In fact, big hoss took off running without even zipping up his fly! Hilarious! As he screamed, like a little girl I might add, his piss was flinging everywhere especially on his jeans. My zombie comrades popped out of their graves to have a look around and we all chased the brain dead college kids off our turf. Hey, kids, next time find a tree house for your little beer party, and leave the graveyard to grownups.


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

How much is that doggy in the window?

Stacey and I are now dating.  We’re the talk of the graveyard.  Being a zombie, you might not think that I have the capacity to fall in love and to get attached to another zombie, but that’s where you’d be wrong.  We’re on the verge of becoming undead soul mates.  We finish each other’s groans and seem to know what the other one is thinking just by looking under each other’s skull cap.  Stacey and I have may have what it takes to forge a zombie romance that will become epic.  Stacey, being much more romantic than me, thought we could exchange first week anniversary gifts.  Yes, I know we’ve only been a zombie couple for a week, but it sounded like fun.  I picked out some of the most wilted, dead flowers that I could find.  Stacey was delighted and expressed to me that nobody ever gave her flowers like this before.  Her idea of a one week anniversary turned out to be much more elaborate.  Stacey blindfolded me and said, “Jed, we’re going down town to a secret place.  I’ve got a surprise for you!” So she had two of my buddies, Slickman and Boner, walk me down along side her to THE PET POD, our local pet store!  Oh boy, she wanted to give me a dog.  Wow, I didn’t know if I would be ready for this kind of commitment. Stacey remarked, “Pick one out and we’ll turn it into a zombie pooch of your very own!”  It was night time and we had the whole closed store to ourselves.  So I picked out a mutt.  No particular breed in mind, just a mutt.  I’m also kind of a mutt; you know a mixture of man, legend and master zombie of excellence all joined together into one fantastic undead eggroll ….hey, I’m just saying!  Anyway, I bit this dog and within a matter of minutes, my dog, Goo, was among the undead ranks.  He’s a little dog with a huge bark and with a tremendous sense of irony.  Instantly, Goo grabbed Boner’s lower right leg bone and took off like a late freight train.  Awww, Goo wanted to play.  SWEET!!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

A zombie romance might be brewin'

Stacey agreed to go out with me.  Well, she didn’t, but her zombie version did.  What was I suppose to do?  Yep, I had to seal the deal by giving Stacey an undead reason to accept my pursuit of her amazingly beautiful body.  We call this the old “corpse courtship”.  I gently bit her and now Stacey is the freshest zombie that we’ve in the cemetery for some time.  My friends Slickman and Boner are jealous as neither one of them has had a zombie date in some time.  I think they need to slather on some cologne because I’ve encountered roadkill that smells better than either one of those goofs.  So Stacey and I went out on the town.  We followed another couple out of the movie theater, who appeared to be on some kind of a date.  The dude had popcorn husks stuck in his teeth and was wearing some very thick pop bottle glasses, probably couldn’t see half inch in front of him.  The girl had her hair in dreadlocks and spoke with a slight stutter.  Stacey and I pounced on them in the parking lot; it was the beginning of a wonderful moonlit dinner we shared.  We held hands and looked each other in the eye.  I could see the warmth and tenderness in Stacey’s face as she devoured the man’s arm.  His screaming was like an enchanted love song that was whispered on the cool evening’s breeze.  Stacey gently smiled as I chased down the woman.  Remembering my manners, I chose not to talk with my mouth full when I chewed on this delicious young woman.  Stacey appreciated it.  Stacey said, “What a magical night, Jed. Please walk me back home.”  Once we approached her tombstone, I kissed Stacey with a passion of a thousand bats taking flight in the dead of night.  When the moon hits your rotting eye like a big brain pie, that’s amore!

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It's greatly appreciated.  Your comments are appreciated too.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.  Now is the time for you to buy a unique gift for that scifi or zombie fan in your life.  Click on the link below to go to my Action Avenue Art Studio store.  Once you're there, take a look around and invest in that unique art or art related merchandise.  Don't forget to check out the products featuring Galactic Ranger, Rusty McBolt.  He's a tin man with a tin star.  The robust robot with a desire for justice in the galaxy, fighting evil on any planet that needs him. 

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The Great Date Debate…..

Once I chased down my high school sweetheart, Stacey, the excitement really began to pop.  I felt as happy as an Irishman in a pub with an open tab, because Stacey’s beauty is just as intoxicating!  Anyway, I said to her, “You know, Stacey, we never really got the chance to continue our romance after high school.  What do you say that we go out on a date?”  Stacey was trying to keep a safe distance between me and her with this giant purse when she yelled back, “Look at yourself, Jed, you’re a zombie, for crying out loud!!  It would never work out between the two of us.  You deserve a nice, sweet zombie girl, you know, who also has worms protruding through her flesh.”  Stacey was just being ridiculous.  Why would I want some old hag of a zombie woman when I could have Stacey?  True, I am a zombie and she’s still a living human being.  It would be a mixed relationship.  Heads would turn, people and zombies alike would whisper about us.  Should be no surprise that Stacey smells yummy and that could be a problem for us.  For you humans who are into food, we’re not talking ‘rainbow sprinkles on a chocolate donut’ type yummy.  Oh no, we’re talking that her freakin’ sweet, super intelligent brain cells smell like a juicy Porterhouse steak!  YUMMY!! I may not be able to resist her delicious charms as a food source for long.  What is a zombie to do?  So I said, “Come on, Stacey.  Give us one more try, we’ll go out and enjoy the sunset and then catch a movie.”  Stacey responded, “You know, Jed, I would rather get the kiss of death from a mobster than go out with you.”  It seems to me that Stacey is going to be a tough nut to crack, but if any zombie can still bust a nut, it’s good old Jed.


Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.