Old Jed, New Year

Son of a swamp mother, am I wasted today!  That dude’s brain that I ate last night could not have been more pickled.  My first clue should have been his whiskey breath.  It literally curled my toe nails.  Oh well, I’ll be fine once I get the tried and true zombie hangover cure into my system.  What is the zombie hangover cure, you ask?  It is a combination of the following:  seven and a half ounces of kangaroo milk, a cup and three fourths of freshly ground tree bark, two and half moldy cupcakes, one wiener dog brain and five rusty nails.  Blend all that together and you have, well, a mess.  It’s the only cure for the “bad brain belches” that afflicts most zombies on New Years Day, after rolling a few drunks for their gray matter.  Once I recover, my plans to start recruiting bikers for my MC will get back on track.  Can’t hardly wait, I am so excited about this new biker gang opportunity that I think I’ll hug myself.  Ahhh, yeah, that’s the ticket!

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it.  Have a Happy New Year!!

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison. 

Even zombies get the blues......

It’s been a week since I lost my job at the meat counter.  Of course, I could have lost my head just like Cuttin’ Carl did, but that’s a different can of worms.  It’s not like Carl was using it anyway.  In my unemployed state, it has been apparent that depression is starting to creep in.  For one, I’ve been overeating quite a bit.  Usually a zombie eats three humans a day, but since getting fired, I’ve overindulged with a whopping extra seven humans.  Two of my zombie pals, Boner and Slickman, became pissed at me.  Boner said, “If you continue to overeat beyond your share of the humans, Jed, dwarfs will be the only nourishment left for the rest of us!”  (Dwarfs are basically the appetizers in the zombie meal plan.  They’re tasty, but a zombie can not be sustained with these bite-sized morsels.)  I responded to Boner, “You’d think you knuckleheads would have something better to do than to worry about my eating habits.”  I guess I can’t fart without the rest of the zombies worrying about how it affects the graveyard culture.  Maybe I should start a zombie biker gang.  With me in charge of the biker gang, there would be an established pecking order to how things go down, with no room for complainers.  I already have my Harley, thanks to Cuttin’ Carl.  Now where can I find the rest of the members of my club?

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much.

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Jed's bad career move

I went into work today and……..was fired from the meat counter.  I asked Cuttin’ Carl why would I, the great and noble zombie, Freakin’ Dead Jed, deserve such a cruel and quick ending to a stellar butcher career.  Cuttin’ Carl hurled his accusation, “Some of the customers have called to complain stating the hamburger and sausage meat tastes very funny.  Jed, you must have contaminated the meat in some manner!”  I responded gruffly, “You’ve got to be kidding me??!!  I am the most professional butcher on this staff! I wear a hair net, the gloves and an apron every damn day.  My customer service skills are of the highest quality.  True, I ate that millionaire a couple of weeks ago, but that moron had it coming.  Consider it a public service.”  Cuttin’ Carl replied, “You see, that’s just it, Jed.  We can’t have you going around eating the customers because of their own lack of good judgment.  Corporate office is a little upset over all this and you have to go.”  I waited for a good minute to decide my next strategy.  Staring Cuttin’ Carl down, I said, “Perhaps, I will let you live through this, Carl, if you give me the keys to your Harley.”  Cuttin’ Carl exclaimed, “What?!  You’re nuts!  No way in Hell will I give you the keys to my Harley!  You see all these knives and cleavers around here, well, they don’t call me Cuttin’ Carl for nothing, you loser….now get out of here!!”  Carl’s empty, decapitated head will make a fantastic gumball dispenser back at the graveyard and the Harley sure is a sweet ride, but I am going to miss that butcher gig…..

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Thanksgiving’s misgivings

So Thanksgiving came and went and we were really busy at the meat counter.  Two days before the holiday, the town’s wealthiest man, Mr. Buck Sterling Silver III, came into the grocery store.  He walked right up to me and said, “I am here to pick up the three dozen frozen turkeys I special ordered for the Thanksgiving holiday.”  I turned to Cuttin’ Carl and he confirmed that this millionaire has a standing order of three dozen turkeys every year.  In my amazement, I said to Mr. Silver, “Wow, you must be feeding an army!”  He responded, “No, one is for my family and I am dropping off five to the local homeless shelter.”  I questioned, “What about the other 30 turkeys that you’re hauling out of here, surely you have plans for them?”  Mr. Silver gave a sharp answer, “Oh, I have plans most certainly.  I have next door neighbor who is a vegan.  Every year I strategically plant the 30 turkeys throughout his yard with 30 R.I.P. tombstones, cut from plywood.  As an added bonus, I give each turkey a name such as Charlie, Harold, etc. and I have the names printed onto the corresponding tombstones.  The best part is that the vegan and his family go out of town every Thanksgiving and arrive home to his turkey graveyard!  It’s hilarious!”  It’s great to see a white trash millionaire making his mark on the world.  I ambushed Mr. Silver in the parking lot and put my “mark” on his head with a ferocious zombie bite.    

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it. 

Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio & Paul Addison. 

Freakin' Dead Jed's new job, day 2

Got to meet at least one other co-worker today at the grocery store’s meat counter. His name is Dan. When Dan arrived at work to start his shift, I was sent to my coffee break. Guess where Cuttin’ Carl was….nope not with Barb the produce manager. All I can say is that Cuttin’ Carl must be what one would call an “adventurer” because Carl went from checking out Barb’s juicy fruits to exploring Sonja’s perky peaks! Sonja is a woman who works in the floral department here at the grocery store. I guess her “peaks and valley” are something of a legend around here. Cuttin’ Carl is worthless. I have planned to be promoted to Carl’s meat manager position some time by next week. I would have killed and eaten Carl by now, but something tells me that he is full of nothing but gristle, especially his big, fat, stupid brain. I digress… Anyway, so I was sitting on my coffee break and it occurred to me what a cool job I have. I am a butcher. Who would have dreamed a zombie would have been elevated to the rock star position of butcher? Working as a butcher may seem dull for humans, but I disagree. Think about it. The term “butcher” can even be used as an awesome nickname for other gigs. For example, if I was an MMA fighter or a pro wrestler, I could be called Jed “The Butcher” Hogan. If I was a hit man for the mob, I could be known as Jed “The Butcher” Bonaducci. If I was a plastic surgeon, I could be Dr. Jed “The Butcher” MD. Oh wait a minute; I suppose most patients don’t want to have the experience of hearing that their doctor has a nickname of “The Butcher”. Guess that was a bad example.

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog. Let's all be thankful this upcoming holiday for turkey, mashed potatoes and zombies. Talk about a winning and appetizing combination!  We are vey close to Christmas too and what better gift to give the zombie or SCIFI fan on your shopping list than a great piece of zombie or SCIFI art.  Click on the link below to go to my Action Ave Art Studio store at zazzle.com.  You'll find great zombie and SCIFI art and art related merchandise for EVERY BUDGET!  Don't forget to check out the artwork with Rusty McBolt as the subject.  He is one robotic bad ass nobody should mess with in this galaxy or any other!!

Freakin' Dead Jed, Rusty McBolt and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.


create & buy custom products at Zazzle

Day 1 of Jed’s new job

Being extremely excited about my first day on my new job, I arrived at the grocery store ready for work at the meat counter at cock-a-doodle dark in the morning!  My manager is a guy who goes by the nickname of “Cuttin’ Carl”.  Not sure how he got that nickname, as he is the laziest butcher/manager that I’ve ever seen.  The only thing he could cut consistently was the “cheese”.  The odors wafting up from his ass were far worse than any death stench I’ve smelled (including my own).  Carl was too busy flirting with Barb the produce manager.  Carl mentioned something about needing to thump Barb’s melons to test the freshness factor and then he took off out of the meat department like a race horse!  Oh, damn it! The dude left me hanging.  I had to train myself since Carl was over in produce enjoying the juicy fruits.  Being new to the meat cutting game, I thought it would be best to start of with something easy, so cutting a fresh bunch of T-bone steaks seemed to be the thing to do.  So I grabbed my meat.  Ooooops, I meant to say that I grabbed the uncut meat in the walk-in cooler and carted it over to the giant saw.  I hit the power button and “click, click”.  The giant saw was dead with no power to it whatsoever!  Checked to make sure that the power cord was plugged in and it was.  Fortunately, I am like a zombie boy scout.  I came prepared that morning with my own bone saw that I took as a souvenir from the city morgue.  Yes, it was slightly used by the county medical examiner hacking on corpses o’ plenty, but hey, what customers don’t know won’t hurt them.   

Thanks for reading Freakin’ Dead Jed’s blog!  I appreciate it very much.

Freakin’ Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio and Paul Addison.

Jed's new job

Got a job at a local grocery store and I can’t believe my luck! You might think I would have to start as a sacker or cashier, but that’s not the case at all. My new position at the MEAT COUNTER will start on Monday morning! Can you believe it? The human resource department rep must not have noticed the gleam in my dead eyes when I inquired about the open butcher trainee position. It’s going to be difficult to keep my hands off the merchandise. Maybe I can practice my “slight of hand” technique. You know, when I’m cutting the prime portions of rump roast, for instance, some of the pieces can mysteriously disappear into my pockets. Another option: I could just hunt and eat everybody else that works in the meat department. That would make me department manager by process of elimination. Once in charge, I can really handle the sweet meat, so to speak. Uh-oh, I meant to say, I can handle the meat at the meat counter. Hmmm, it just crazy enough to work! I can visualize my success. It’s a good thing I went to that positive thinking self improvement seminar for zombies last month. Look out world: you’ve got a zombie who is confident and ready to take advantage of all opportunities coming his way. Who knows what’s next for me? I might just start an outlaw zombie biker gang.


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I appreciate it very much!

Freakin’ Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2011 by Action Ave Art Studio, Action Ave Studio & Paul Addison.