Screwed?

Chatted with my old zombie pal, Boner, the other day and he let me know of a new “business” opportunity he heard about recently.  An out of town zombie dude by the name of Rotty Rick presented a plan to keep all the local zombies fed with fresh humans and make us all rich in the process.  I smelled a slimy (well, more slimy than the normal) zombie who wanted to take us for a ride.  My next step was to have Boner introduce me to this character.  The next day Rotty met me at the pine tree grove, just south of our cemetery.  Rotty explained to me that all the local zombies were starting to realize that the human food source would start to disappear, thereby eventually, putting us zombies all in jeopardy of starving and ceasing to exist.  Rotty said, “The beautiful thing about this whole business is this:  We would advertise in Canadian publications and media outlets.  Get them to come down to our ‘vacation resort’ area, to invest in time share condos, conveniently located next to a high roller casino.  Once the Canadians arrived we will take their investment money and then eat our way right through their souls!”  I asked, “Where are we going to get the materials to build a casino and condos beforehand?”  Rotty insisted, “When I was alive, I helped build sets in Hollywood, so all we have to do is make some convincing looking fake buildings and then we’re ready for action.”  Hmmmmm, yeah, right!  As soon as we give this loser the finances to build his human trap, he’ll disappear in thin air!  So, I kicked this idiot’s ass and sent him back to his slim pit.  Little did I know Rotty is connected to the zombie mafia family, The Mongrolies.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!   Now what will I do? 


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2013 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio & Paul Addison. 

Winter Blunderland....

It’s been a few weeks since we were used as extras in the movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” and it’s been a little boring lately.  At least until the ugliness of winter grabbed me and my zombie friends by the onions!  It’s been cold in the graveyard, well, colder than normal anyway.  Have you ever seen a zombie try to move around in the snow?  Most zombies can’t handle it.  What flexibility a zombie has in his rotten muscles seems be lost in the unforgiving weather.  While most zombies may have this trouble, they are not of extraordinary strength, intelligence and determination like I am.  Look, it’s not bragging if it’s true!  So, we encountered a blizzard a few days ago.  I was walking around with my dog, Goo, and my girlfriend, Stacey.  It was dry and sunny at one point and 50 degrees outside.  Within an hour of our walk, the temp dropped to 10 degrees and we had 7 inches of snow on the ground.  Global warming, my ass!  I sent Stacey and Goo home, with the promise I would bring home some dinner.  Using my best improvisational tactics, I grabbed a couple old tennis rackets in a storage shed behind some old dude’s garage.  I just knew snow shoes would come in handy in a situation like this and my expertise would allow me to make a pair with the aid of bubble gum and paper clips.  I keep bubble gum and paper clips in my pockets, as it’s good to be prepared for anything.  The old guy, who owned the tennis rackets, came out just as I had finished making my primitive snow shoes.  Holy Crap…. SON…. OF…. A…. SWAMP MOTHER!!!  The old guy wasn’t any ordinary old guy; he was none other than tennis legend, John McEnroe.  He looked pretty pissed as he stood on his back deck, even through the haze of falling snow.  All of a sudden, McEnroe started to yell a lot of cuss words and picked up a crossbow.  He started firing arrows at me!  Who knew this guy lived in the area and was a fan of The Walking Dead’s Daryl Dixon and his famous weaponry?  Yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen the show too.  Who hasn’t?  So, as I was doing summersaults in this back yard, trying to avoid McEnroe’s arrows, I noticed some kids in the corner of my eye.  Their dad was with them and they were all in their own backyard building a snow man.  The dad noticed me and laughed uproariously.  He yelled, “Look, Caleb and Conner!  That strange man over there who’s doing gymnastics; he looks like Daffy Duck bouncing around out here!”  That was my chance.  McEnroe was thrown off guard by the loud yelling from his next door neighbor.  He dropped his crossbow which disappeared into a snow bank.  By the time McEnroe found it, I was long gone.  Next time I go out in winter weather, I hope somebody will remind me to limit my activity to making snow angels on the ground!

 

 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2013 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

It's a wrap!

The filming of our movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again”, finally wrapped up about a week ago.  It was fun to be a movie extra, as well as a lot of hard work.  My gang and I must have done a good job because the production crew invited us to the wrap party.  It looked more like a frat party than a function for so called professionals.  The director, Stevie Spielbergen, did keg stands in the corner as the camera men and a few of the actors cheered him on enthusiastically.  The yoga instructor, Emerald, who was hired to help us “loosen up” was there.  She did the best impression of human origami that I’ve ever witnessed.  Of course some of the good looking young actresses were chased around the large room by the rugged, manly men actors who played the heroes of the movie.  I guess guys are always horny, no matter where, no matter when and that’s just the way it is.  The casting director, Jillian, walked up and encouraged us to hit the food and refreshment table.  I remarked, “Don’t worry, we intend to enjoy the great, tantalizing meal that has been offered here.”  Stacey walked over and locked the door which caught the attention of the cast and crew.  As they looked at me and the other zombies, we couldn’t suppress our grins.  As the leader of the pack, my pals gave me a look and we all said together, “Good flesh, good meat, good gosh let’s eat!”

 

 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Runnin' on empty!

In the span of a few days, the production crew for “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” filmed all of the zombie attack scenes featuring the zombie extras (for those of you playing along at home, some of the extras include me and the gang you’ve come to know and love).  It was extremely tiring for all of us in front of the camera.  I haven’t been this active since the 1970s when I was a pimp running the hard streets of Chicago keeping my bitches and hoes in line.  Aaahhh, those were the days, I long for the simpler times.  Anyway enough about my past career choices; let’s get back to the film production tale.  The crew filmed us digging our way out of the grave.  Then they filmed us moaning, groaning and chasing people.  My pal, Boner, even dislocated his hip once again.  Felt bad for the poor bastard.  When I thought that would be the extent of our scenes, we were surprised yet again!  They filmed us climbing trees to chase squirrels and woodpeckers.  They filmed me and the other extras dumpster diving behind a porn movie store, of all things.  Another series of scenes included us as a spontaneous flash mob.  We were even filmed singing karaoke in a local bar.  (By the way, my favorite song to sing is the Beatles’ version of Twist and Shout ever since I watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.)  We were also filmed as balloon handlers in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Oddly enough, the scenes also included us playing hopscotch and later jumping rope with a bunch of giggling, pre-teen girls.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER, this is going to be one weird ass movie!!  I quietly whispered to Stacey, “Do you think Ashton Kutcher is around here somewhere making an all zombie edition of ‘Punk’d’?”  She was as clueless as the rest of us.  Oh well, it’s been a good gig at any rate. 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Aaahhh, the glamour of showbiz…..

We made it through the week’s worth of yoga classes with Emerald.  It was tough and she had all the appeal of a rusty, stinky, steel wool pad, but we made it!  Everyone one of my zombie pals had a call sheet to be on the set of “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” at 6 in the morning.  We showed up and waited.  Then we waited some more.  Once we stopped waiting, it was time to start the whole process over…. Yep, you guessed it, we waited some more.  Stacey was the smart one (well of course, she’s smart….she is a woman after all); she snagged somebody’s cell phone and played multiple levels of Angry Birds to pass the time.  What’s the story with these birds and why are they angry?  I defy anyone to pick out one bird on this game and give me a justifiable reason as to that bird’s angry funk.  Was this bird not hugged enough by his mom?  Did his dad go out for cigarettes one night and never came back?  Anyway, the rest of us zombies stood around waiting.  Ike brought some dental floss and was working on his one and only mutated front tooth.  Smelled like sulfur as he cleaned the rotten flesh plaque off his tooth.  Ironically Ike’s last human value meal was some dentist from the down town area.  Well, while everyone else was bored, I found it interesting to chat it up with one of the boom operators between takes and on breaks.  He was a degenerate gambler who constantly talked about his love for the chaos in the casinos.  Travis, the boom operator, also let me know that if he ever hit it big with lottery winnings, he would walk away from this job immediately.  I tried to explain to Travis that he would have a better chance of his boom turning into a horny giraffe with a longing desire to French kiss him than of winning the lottery!  After that comment, Travis just walked away to grab a donut from the food table.  Guess the truth hurts!  Maybe I should become a psychologist or counselor?  I have a keen way of dishing the truth to people, usually right before scrambling their brains with my teeth and tongue. (Lucky for gambler Travis----he’s not scheduled to be my “dinner guest” until after the film has been completed.  You know his union wouldn’t approve otherwise.)

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  You know I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Well, it's that time of year again!  Time to do some holiday shopping for the family members and friends in your life.  Click on the window below to find some fantastic zombie and sci-fi artwork and merchandise.  There's currently a 50% off sale for Veteran's Day that ends on Monday!  Don't delay, shop today!  You'll find great gifts for every budget.

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Zombies and pretzel logic

On Jillian the casting director’s command, my zombie crew and I were assigned to a yoga instructor to increase our flexibility.  About 7 in the morning, Emerald, the yoga instructor bounced into the yoga studio.  The lady was way too perky!  She reminded me of a smurf hopped up on Twinkies and Red Bull.  It should come as no surprise prior to the start of the class, Emerald was nice.  The operative word here “was” until the yoga class began, then she turned into a drill sergeant.  Cletus was turned into a complete zombie pretzel by doing the Down Dog Split.  When it was all said and done, Frank “The Shank” could literally kiss his own ass and a zombie kissing his own ass is one ugly sight.  It was like playing a game of Twister as a form of intense punishment.  After the Cow Face pose, Boner yelled loudly, “AAAAGGGHHH!!!  I think my hips have been dislocated!”  Sure enough, his hips were sticking out in a weird way.  Before I could get out of my pose to help my zombie bro, Emerald jumped right over to him and took a rubber mallet to help readjust Boner’s out of place bones!  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!  I thought for sure she would destroy my entire gang.  It was not clear if zombie extra roles in some movie would be worth all this craziness.  What were we thinking?

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Acting as a zombie in three easy, stumbling steps….

The production crew for the movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again”, has been busy in our town.  Who would have thought the movie industry would want to use our town as a place to film a movie?  It couldn’t have been the mayor or the city council members who charmed the Hollywood folks into this deal.  I mean, seriously, a herd of chain smokin’, panty sniffin’ drag queens covered in warts and giving off pungent body odor would have a more positive impact on these special visitors than that bunch of corrupt sons-a -bitches!  Anyway, I took my zombie crew to the auditions to be extras in the movie.  We stood around forever waiting to be called for the audition.  It was like waiting at the courthouse to be called up for the jury selection process.  The casting director’s assistant came through the door took us into another room as one group.  The casting director was a woman by the name of Jillian and she was very much to the point.  Jillian told me and my zombie pals, “You know, you all have the look.  I have never seen more realistic looking zombies in all my years of working in the film industry.  We need to have you all in this movie to add some authenticity, but there’s one problem.  You guys need to be more limber as zombies when you walk and shuffle about.  I see too much rigidness from you all.  First thing this afternoon, I want the whole lot of you to meet with the official yoga instructor hired by the movie studio to keep all the actors ‘centered’ and in shape.”  I don’t think she realized that we’re real zombies, not cheap imitations.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!  Jillian told us that we’re not quite zombie enough to be zombie extras without some training.  There’s no business like show business.   

 

 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Scene One, Take One, ACTION!!

The other night Stacey, Goo and I took a walk around the old graveyard.  It was a relatively quiet night until a bunch of film production trucks came rolling into the neighborhood.  When the trucks parked, several crew members got out and started to talk amongst themselves and set up some expensive looking equipment.  Luckily, Stacey’s career as an international spy (wink, wink) came in handy as she was able to read lips and give me a full report as to what these lugnuts were saying.  Stacey let me know that our town has been chosen as a filming set location for the yet to be released zombie flick, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again”.  Ok, well that’s not something you see everyday.   I immediately thought to myself, this is going to be interesting!  My thoughts began to wonder if the production is going to need some first rate, authentic looking zombie extras?  My zombie crew might enjoy this opportunity to break into feature film work.  Hold that thought, I will be right back after I tell the guys about this……….

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Welcome back Jed!

So I was released from my jail sentence.  Felt good to be free once again and I added “ex-con” to my long list of accomplishments since I’ve been a zombie.  I walked back to the graveyard where Stacey and Goo “welcomed” me at our tombstones.  Stacey said, “Jed, where the red hot hell have you been for the last three days?  I’ve been worried sick about you.  Goo has been so upset that he’s been running in circles and chasing his decomposing tail.  Honestly, when he caught it, ripped it off and the maggots came pouring out!  I might be your zombie girlfriend, Jed, but I don’t want to deal with a mess like that again.  I had to have Boner clean up the nasty little beasts, which looked disturbing as well, a memory which will forever scar what’s left of my rotting brain.”  I scratched my head in amazement.  “Let me get this straight,” I responded, “For the last three days I was missing, you had no idea where I could have gone, but the only thing you’ve been trouble by was the fact that Goo lost part of his ass in his chaotic tail chase mode?”  Stacey smiled, “Well, no, I was also kind of worried about you too, but I figured that you’re a big zombie capable of taking care of himself and that your friends would tell me if I should be extremely worried.”  I gave Stacey a sideways glance and said, “It’s a long story, but let’s just say I was incarcerated for a showdown with a feisty pay phone.”   Stacey responded, “Your undead life is a magnet for troublesome adventures.  Hanging out with you is like one endless episode of the Jerry Springer show!”  I said, “Yeah, and one hell of a ride it is.”  Stacey leaned over and gave me kiss and the next thing I know we were playing tonsil hockey.  There’s an image for you:  two zombies engaged in a big, fat, harry lip lock…..  Go ahead and enjoy your breakfast!

 

 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  You know that Halloween is just around the corner.  By clicking on the link below, you'll have the golden opportunity to invest in zombie and sci-fi related artwork and merchandise to commemorate the festive occasion!  You'll find affordable artwork and merchandise for every budget, so act today and impress your friends.

make custom gifts at Zazzle

The jail bird flies.......

After a couple of days in the slammer, it became apparent the county prison guards became tired of my antics.  Oh sure, they made me public enemy over a violated pay phone, but when I tried to provide a little levity and entertain my fellow inmates, the guards showed me no love or respect for my ability to brighten such a depressing place.  By the way, I don’t remember hearing any complaints from the owner of the pay phone; I provided that pay phone with the most action it’s had in 15 years.  Anyhoo, to illustrate the straw that broke the camel’s back, let me explain what happened:  Wednesday, I was out in the exercise yard with the other county jail inmates, when boredom overtook me.  How could I enhance the enjoyable experience of every convict out here?  How could I show everyone here that zombies aren’t just dead lunatics on a flesh eating binge, but are genuine entertainers for people to enjoy and to help them to forget their troubles for a little while?  Then the idea hit me like Aunt Flo hits the lady folks out there once a month!  I saw a group of inmates out sitting around a picnic table, smoking and comparing tattoos.  Walked up to these men and said, “Guess where I was at before standing here and meeting you interesting gents just now.”  One of the inmates said, “Ok, I’ll ask…..where have you been?”  With a little bit of zombie magic, I grabbed my head on either side and popped my neck out of place which looked like a wet noodle.  Then I let my head flop upside down out of the grasp of my hands.  I answered back with a ghoulish smile and chuckle, “A hanging.”  Nobody in the exercise yard appreciated my sense of humor; all the big tough convicts fainted at the sight of my little gag. Well, let’s just say my sentence was commuted almost immediately to freedom.  Guess I know when I’m not wanted……SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!

 

 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Jail house confessions

Today was my first day of serving my jail sentence for the brawl that went down between me and the payphone.  In case you’re wondering, I did get my fingers unstuck from the coin return.  It happened during the strip search in the booking process.  I was so shocked at being strip searched that my whole body contracted.  Did I get my one phone call?  Hell no!  But then again, no zombie at the grave yard has a mobile phone.  So, in my cell there were two drunks, one sleeping on either side of me on the bench.  If fact, each one was leaning on me and causing great discomfort which you can not imagine.  Finally, drunk #1 woke up, scratched his week old beard, picked his nose and said, “Say buddy, what time is it?”  His breath smelled like rotten eggs and stale beer.  After finding out that his name was Denton, I responded, “Time for you to take your smelly ass to the other side of the cell.”  My stern statement woke up Vladamir (drunk #2).  Vladamir was only interested in one thing, “Uhhh, comrade, do you have a smoke?”  Vladamir was most certainly an expert in vodka.  He smelled like it had been running through his veins since before the start of The Cold War.  I chuckled and said, “Vladamir, the cops don’t allowing smoking in the cells, and even if they did, it is very bad for your health.  You don’t want that crap.”  Vladamir and Denton both thought that was funny.  In their amusement at my free medical advice, they laughed almost uncontrollably.  Vladamir started to belch and Denton joined in by farting in perfect concert pitch.  The stench almost put me down, that’s right a stinkin’ zombie such as myself was almost overpowered by the evil gases which permeated the room.  I waited for my two new friends to calm back down.  Then I unbuttoned my shirt, pulled back my flesh and revealed the black lungs inside my rib cage.  Vladamir and Denton couldn’t have sobered up any quicker.  Denton yelled for the cops to let them out, while Vladamir prayed for his misfortune to turn around, something along the lines that he’d never take another drop of alcohol ever again if God would help him out of this desperate situation.  Yeah, I’ve heard that before.  

 

 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Hey Jed, just phone it in.....

You may have noticed that most pay phones have gone away, much like the proverbial dinosaur of this day and age.  Guess the world is addicted to cell phones.  I suppose that is easy to understand.  Most people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, but cell phones bring another element into the equation.  Show me a person walking and talking on his cell phone and I will show you a dude about to fall into an open man hole as he’s walking down the street!  Anyway, the other night I was bored, so I went out for a walk.  After I chomped a brain or two from a couple of security guards who were keeping late night watch over a nearby parking garage, I saw a pay phone within a few yards east of garage.  Wow, I thought I was seeing things for a moment!  Who in the hell uses pay phones in this day and age of digital wizardry?  So after a long pause, I thought to myself, I’ll bet there is a fortune of coins in that old pay phone.  You might ask, “What does a zombie need with pay phone change?”  Well, Christmas is not too far away and now I have a girlfriend who expects gifts.  Plus, I need to have something to drop into the charity buckets outside of the department stores.  That way my conscience is clear when I attack the volunteers in charge of such charity buckets!  So, I swaggered over to the pay phone and stuck my fingers into the coin return slot and fished around for some coinage and…. found…. NOTHING!  Damn!  Oh well, I figured I would just move on and maybe I would be able to find another pay phone or some drunk to roll for his pocket change.  Great, my fat fingers were stuck in this damn phone!  I couldn’t get them out.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  Now what was I supposed to do??  I started to panic.  I could have just chewed off the half rotten appendages, but that is not the way of a zombie of incredible distinction, such as me.  Thinking back to my days as a first rate martial arts instructor, I started to round house kick this pay phone in hopes of dislodging my fingers from this sinister machine.  First one and then two kicks at a time.  Finally, I was kicking the crap out of this little bitch!  The little coin whore had it coming.  One roundhouse kick, right after another quickly came from my lethal weapon legs.  Chuck Norris would be proud, even if I was still not having any luck of dislodging my fingers from that stupid pay phone.  Just then, I heard a patrol car screeching down the street.  Oh great.  The cop bounced out of his car like he was getting ready to take down a serial killer.  He yelled, “Stop or I’ll have to shoot you!!”  Without even giving me the chance to explain my situation, Barney Fife Lite shot me with his taser and damn near fried my giblets into oblivion.  Next thing I knew, the cop hauled me, with the pay phone in-tow, right to the slammer.  Another night of hard luck for a good zombie; guess I should have stayed home and took another dirt nap.


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  I really appreciated it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

For the love of the game....

Have you ever noticed that cemeteries and golf courses are eerily similar?  I have pondered that notion and have arrived at a conclusion.  Grave yards and golf courses are both known for nicely manicured grass.  Grave yards are known for their dead residents, while golf courses have many golfers with handicaps that are pretty much dead on arrival!  I’m kind of surprised that some creative, young entrepreneur has not jumped onto the idea of combining a grave yard and golf course together into one giant enterprise.  Think about the potential ways in which a grave yard/golf course could obtain new patrons.  When one of those geezers has a great golf game, he could then die a happy man and won’t even have to spend one night in the morgue.  Hell, if a golfer achieved a score of 54, his brain would meltdown at that very moment.  Instead of just installing regular sand traps, a few more golfers could meet their final happy day playing their favorite game by falling into a quick sand trap!  Well, the water hazards could also have a little different treatment at a golf course/grave yard.  I recommend either gators or piranha, for the golfer who wants a real water hazard challenge.  When you really think about it, the golf carts can also be enhanced to help the golfer along to his final bogey.  The brakes could be “adjusted” and the steering column could be “altered” so that every tree on the course could be one hell of a place to park, if you catch my drift.  Each tree could be fitted with a razor sharp pendulum mechanism to slice and dice any golf cart crashing into such a tree.  You see in my world, under par pretty much is equal to being underground….um uh, six feet underground. 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Say, isn't it time for a shameless plug?!  Of course it is.  Unique and great artistic gifts can be had at the link below.  Are you interested in collecting SCI-FI or zombie art and you don't know where to start?  Click on the link below for great art and art related merchandise for a low investment on your part. 

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Jed must be obsessed

The Good Guts & Gory club has been busy with all kinds of zombies coming from all over to patronize the club.  What’s left of my rancid heart has ached.  These zombies were supposed to become members of Brained & Stained.  Well, that settled it.  It was time for me to jump into action!  Behind Ike’s club where no other zombies had noticed me, I made a zip line from the back door of the building to the tall tree about 50 yards away.  My plan was in place.  I would take the zip line down and crash through the back door.  Now you might ask what good would it do for old Jed to zip line down and crash into the back door?  Well, I tied two sacks of manure on either side of me and once I crashed through into Ike’s club, it would be time for me to release the sacks of crap and spill it all over the inside of Good Guts & Gory.  Yes, I know it sounds like a lot of work just to sabotage Ike’s venture, but hey, I’m all about taking action.  So, I waited for the right time, around 9pm Friday night to unleash my manure madness upon Ike and his friends.  With a quick release, I zipped down and remembered much too late that the back door was iron just like the front one.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!!  With a thud, I bounced off the door and landed about 15 feet from it and that manure covered me from head to toe.  When I awoke from my daze I saw Ike, Stacey, Granny Rose, Boner and all the others standing around me.  Stacey hosed the manure off and cleaned me up quite nicely.  Then they hoisted me up on top of them and carried me over to Brained & Stained.  The entire time I was being carried, everyone sang a chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”.  Huh?  “Why would you do that?” I asked Ike and the rest of the gang.  Ike said, “You inspired me, Jed, to create an excellent club.  You think outside the box and, as a zombie, you’re the one we all look to for leadership and guidance.”  I was amazed, but Ike continued, “I want our clubs to join forces; in fact, we should merge them into one giant club that way every zombie can have the best of both worlds.”  Well, my heart grew three sizes that night, just like the heart belonging to the Grinch.  Well, not really, I am dead after all, so my heart is pretty much stale just like the rest of me, but you get my drift.  Wow, these zombies are cool…….. or more appropriately cool and cold, because of the death thing, don’t ya know?

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  Your time is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

The best laid plans....

Ike’s zombie health club, Good Guts & Gory, has been a huge success. Zombies were lined up around the block just to be the next lucky one to get in. The Brained & Stained club, by comparison, has been a little less busy. In fact, my entire zombie posse was standing in line at the health club today. Guess it’s one of those cases of “If you can’t beat them, join them”. Can’t believe those morons did me like that! The zombie gang may think they’ve taken my wheelbarrow full of hopes and dreams from me, but I have refused to give up!! Did the Colonel give up when he was told to take his white polyester suit wearing ass down the road when nobody initially wanted his fried chicken recipe? Of course he didn’t! The Colonel knew people needed his chicken, just like toothless hillbillies need meth. Likewise, zombies need this club….my club, whether they realize it or not. It can become THE place for zombies to unwind after a hard day in the undead world. Have a drink, play some pool and forget about the deranged humans who have tried so damn hard to split zombie skulls with their fancy crossbows! Seriously, who wants to go to a zombie health club? That sounds like a place for zombies with low self esteem who need to feel better about being among the undead population. You know, sit in a mud bath and magically gain the confidence to face another day of hunting humans. So, I will gather my thoughts, sit at the bar by myself and plan my next strategy. Well, I haven’t been entirely alone. I mean, there were a bunch of nats and flies congregating at the cream of eyeball chip dip that has been prepared for snackin’. They were good listeners.

Thank you for reading Freakin’ Dead Jed’s blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin’ Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Oh, Ike, no you didn’t!!

Things were going smoothly for “Brained & Stained”, our zombie club, until Ike decided to shake things up recently.  Remember, Ike wanted to install a liver salad bar in Brained & Stained, and as the zombie with the power to veto that motion, I had to do it.  Not to be thwarted by my lack of enthusiasm for his idea, Ike opened up a zombie health club to compete with our club.  I know, right?!  Just across the expanse of the old marble grove on the other side of the cemetery.  Apparently, Ike took over the gigantic Harry Johnson family mausoleum.  The Johnson family has not stayed there in years.  They all left for the warmer weather of the south.  Received a postcard from Harry just last week which said the tourists and old people in Florida are especially tasty this time of year.  Anyway, Ike has named his new zombie health club as, “Good Guts & Gory”.  Ike made his intentions clear to install mud baths spas, a liver salad bar, and some other weird exercise equipment in his club.  Can you believe it?!  If that wasn’t bad enough, our zombie gals, including Stacey and Granny Rose, seemed to have joined forces with Ike to help him get that venture off the ground.  They even have my dog, Goo, doing tricks in front of the place to help attract attention. I was less than thrilled when I yelled, “Stacey and Goo, you betrayed me!”  Who am I kidding?  At the end of the day, Stacey will still be my girl and Goo will still curl up by my feet and I will still be a little annoyed at them.    

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Say, you know what you need?  That's right you need to click on the link below to enter the awesome, cartoon art world of Freakin' Dead Jed.  Great gifts for any collector at great prices.  Order today!

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Even zombies are entitled to a holiday.....

The 4^th of July came and went, but we had a lot of fun in the old cemetery!  We enjoyed an awesome time of rest & recreation at our zombie club, “Brained & Stained”.  Stacey and Granny Rose made some homemade headcheese.  The cheese came from the head of a local candidate running for city council.  I doubt that he’ll miss it much as his brain hasn’t experienced much activity lately.  That’s what I hate about an election year:  empty political promises from empty headed morons.  Anyway, I also made some flesh burgers which I carved out of my latest victims….  Uh, I mean, dinner guests.  We played yard darts outside of the clubhouse.  Unfortunately for Slickman, a yard dart landed on his right leg and stuck him to a nearby tombstone!  He’ll probably be fine, that is if we can ever get him unstuck from that tombstone.  Cletus, our new zombie trucker buddy, brought some fireworks he had stashed away.  The problem with Cletus is that he was also a pyromaniac when he was among the living, so he kept setting himself on fire!  We also had a visit from zombies who served in our military from various wars.  A couple soldiers from the Civil War, a few from the Spanish-American War and, of course, a few from the American Revolutionary War all joined our zombie Independence Day celebration.  Talk about your moldy oldies! The zombified versions of General Patton and his comrade General MacArthur showed up and what a pleasant surprise that was!  Well, at least until the generals fought over the last of the intestine sausages.  Come on, Generals, show some mutual respect!  Had to make those two old gents arm wrestle just to make it a fair contest, and then of course, when they were the heat of battle and distracted…..yours truly ate the last of intestine sausages.  Ha Ha Heh,Heh!  Oh, they’ll get over it.  Just hope they don’t try to court martial me first. 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Here’s the latest yarn about our zombie barn….

We’ve made massive, magical progress in the way of getting our zombie club, “Brained & Stained”, off the ground.  We raided the local recreational store for our pool table, foosball table and dart boards.  Well, of course it wasn’t easy as pie.  Most of my zombie dudes were there, but Ike could not be found.  That was strange.  What could Ike be up to?  His lazy ass might try to show up only after all the work has been done.  I suppose we’ll deal with him later.  It was imperative to have a truck driver to deliver all that stuff.  So, we went down to the local truck stop and “recruited” a truck driver and the use of his truck.  The pool table and all the other recreational stuff was delivered about 2 am Saturday morning.  Here’s the best part: the truck driver, Cletus, donated his 80” LED flat screen deluxe television.  Since he’s now a card carrying member of my zombie gang, I made Cletus an offer that he couldn’t refuse!  After hooking up this beautiful TV, I have to admit size does matter.  Bigger is better.  You can tell the size of a zombie’s…….. EH, HMMM.  Well, you get the picture.  (Hey, it’s not braggin’ if it’s true!)  Anyway, we finished setting up in the barn.  My dog, Goo, even came and pissed around the parameter of the barn.  I guess it’s his way of marking the territory for us.  How nice……  I guess.   It was probably 7 am when Stacey, Grandma Rose and the other gals dropped by for an unexpected visit.  Stacey said, “This will make a great social hall for me and the other ladies to chat about zombie girl stuff.  We just need some pink, frilly curtains and potpourri and we’ll be set!”  Potpourri??  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!  I really hoped she was joking around……..

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated!  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

A barn is a terrible thing to waste!

Spoke with my zombie buddies and it was almost unanimous regarding my idea to start a zombie social club in the old storage barn.  The only zombie to disagree was Slickman.  I can’t imagine why unless it’s the steel plate in his head messing with what little brain power Slickman has left.  I get worried about this guy sometimes.  It’s not a question of if, but more of when is he going to step out in front of a fire truck haulin’ ass because he’s mistaken it for an ambulance carrying around patients with open wounds!  Anyway, the vote was tallied and the zombie club house will be developed.  Frank “The Shank” came up with the perfect name for our club.  We’ll call it “Brained & Stained”.  There were a lot of excellent and creative ideas that came out of my band of zombie misfits.  Boner suggested that we have a full service blood bar complete with freshly squeezed humans.  How intoxicating!  For my zombie buds that want to get a little wasted, we’ll have that covered as well.  All we have to do is ferment a few human brains, throw them in a blender with a little salt and pineapple juice and we’ve got the zombie’s tropical drink that will scramble the innards!  Ike “The Toothpick” threw in his two cents and said that we should have a liver salad bar.  You know it’s usually good to think about health food for the zombie who wants to watch what he’s eating but I had to veto this notion.  Hey, it’s a flippin’ zombie club!  A place to unwind and have fun and not a place to worry about what kind of crap we’re eating and drinking.  Sorry, Ike, but no dice.  We’ll have a pool table, a dart board or two, maybe even a foosball table.  Oh, and don’t forget the zombie dancing girls; we’ll have to get a few of them.  You know, to help offset our ugly mugs.  Just don’t tell my girlfriend, Stacey, or any of other members’ wives or girls!  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!! If they find out our plans to bring in zombie dancing girls, we’ll wish we had stayed six feet under. 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's  blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Club house for my zombie crew?

When you’re a zombie like me, you have a lot of time on your hands. Sure, I get to hunt humans, but realistically, even the greatest of all zombies can’t hunt 24 hours a day. Hey, the spirit is willing, but sometimes the rotten, stinkin’ flesh is weak! So I’ve been trying to think of new things to do to occupy my down time. I overheard the grounds keeping men at the graveyard talking. Apparently, they want to have a bigger storage facility built for all the caretaking equipment. You know, things like their lawn mowers, weed killing chemicals, and the piles of cash they’re making off of stealing Memorial Day wreaths and selling them back to Cheap Crap Store so they can put wreaths back on sale.

Anyway, enough with my nutty conspiracy theories! Well, if a new storage barn is built for the equipment, that means that the current one will be empty. Even if the lug nuts who run this place try to knock the old building down, they would have a fight on their hands. Think about it! My fellow zombie dudes and I can make a zombie social club out of it. It could be epic. We could have a pool table, bar and other forms of entertainment installed. This could be the talk of the entire zombie community! Hell, I might even franchise it. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Perhaps, I better convince my posse to get on board first…..


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyrighted 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.
Say, if you're looking for the perfectly unique gift for the zombie or scifi fanatic in your life, you need to head on over to the Action Avenue Studio store by clicking on the link below.  You'll find all kinds of deals and reasonable prices.  You might even find a cool item for yourself.  Act now and don't delay.....


make custom gifts at Zazzle