Screwed?

Chatted with my old zombie pal, Boner, the other day and he let me know of a new “business” opportunity he heard about recently.  An out of town zombie dude by the name of Rotty Rick presented a plan to keep all the local zombies fed with fresh humans and make us all rich in the process.  I smelled a slimy (well, more slimy than the normal) zombie who wanted to take us for a ride.  My next step was to have Boner introduce me to this character.  The next day Rotty met me at the pine tree grove, just south of our cemetery.  Rotty explained to me that all the local zombies were starting to realize that the human food source would start to disappear, thereby eventually, putting us zombies all in jeopardy of starving and ceasing to exist.  Rotty said, “The beautiful thing about this whole business is this:  We would advertise in Canadian publications and media outlets.  Get them to come down to our ‘vacation resort’ area, to invest in time share condos, conveniently located next to a high roller casino.  Once the Canadians arrived we will take their investment money and then eat our way right through their souls!”  I asked, “Where are we going to get the materials to build a casino and condos beforehand?”  Rotty insisted, “When I was alive, I helped build sets in Hollywood, so all we have to do is make some convincing looking fake buildings and then we’re ready for action.”  Hmmmmm, yeah, right!  As soon as we give this loser the finances to build his human trap, he’ll disappear in thin air!  So, I kicked this idiot’s ass and sent him back to his slim pit.  Little did I know Rotty is connected to the zombie mafia family, The Mongrolies.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!   Now what will I do? 


Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2013 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio & Paul Addison. 

Winter Blunderland....

It’s been a few weeks since we were used as extras in the movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” and it’s been a little boring lately.  At least until the ugliness of winter grabbed me and my zombie friends by the onions!  It’s been cold in the graveyard, well, colder than normal anyway.  Have you ever seen a zombie try to move around in the snow?  Most zombies can’t handle it.  What flexibility a zombie has in his rotten muscles seems be lost in the unforgiving weather.  While most zombies may have this trouble, they are not of extraordinary strength, intelligence and determination like I am.  Look, it’s not bragging if it’s true!  So, we encountered a blizzard a few days ago.  I was walking around with my dog, Goo, and my girlfriend, Stacey.  It was dry and sunny at one point and 50 degrees outside.  Within an hour of our walk, the temp dropped to 10 degrees and we had 7 inches of snow on the ground.  Global warming, my ass!  I sent Stacey and Goo home, with the promise I would bring home some dinner.  Using my best improvisational tactics, I grabbed a couple old tennis rackets in a storage shed behind some old dude’s garage.  I just knew snow shoes would come in handy in a situation like this and my expertise would allow me to make a pair with the aid of bubble gum and paper clips.  I keep bubble gum and paper clips in my pockets, as it’s good to be prepared for anything.  The old guy, who owned the tennis rackets, came out just as I had finished making my primitive snow shoes.  Holy Crap…. SON…. OF…. A…. SWAMP MOTHER!!!  The old guy wasn’t any ordinary old guy; he was none other than tennis legend, John McEnroe.  He looked pretty pissed as he stood on his back deck, even through the haze of falling snow.  All of a sudden, McEnroe started to yell a lot of cuss words and picked up a crossbow.  He started firing arrows at me!  Who knew this guy lived in the area and was a fan of The Walking Dead’s Daryl Dixon and his famous weaponry?  Yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen the show too.  Who hasn’t?  So, as I was doing summersaults in this back yard, trying to avoid McEnroe’s arrows, I noticed some kids in the corner of my eye.  Their dad was with them and they were all in their own backyard building a snow man.  The dad noticed me and laughed uproariously.  He yelled, “Look, Caleb and Conner!  That strange man over there who’s doing gymnastics; he looks like Daffy Duck bouncing around out here!”  That was my chance.  McEnroe was thrown off guard by the loud yelling from his next door neighbor.  He dropped his crossbow which disappeared into a snow bank.  By the time McEnroe found it, I was long gone.  Next time I go out in winter weather, I hope somebody will remind me to limit my activity to making snow angels on the ground!

 

 

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2013 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

It's a wrap!

The filming of our movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again”, finally wrapped up about a week ago.  It was fun to be a movie extra, as well as a lot of hard work.  My gang and I must have done a good job because the production crew invited us to the wrap party.  It looked more like a frat party than a function for so called professionals.  The director, Stevie Spielbergen, did keg stands in the corner as the camera men and a few of the actors cheered him on enthusiastically.  The yoga instructor, Emerald, who was hired to help us “loosen up” was there.  She did the best impression of human origami that I’ve ever witnessed.  Of course some of the good looking young actresses were chased around the large room by the rugged, manly men actors who played the heroes of the movie.  I guess guys are always horny, no matter where, no matter when and that’s just the way it is.  The casting director, Jillian, walked up and encouraged us to hit the food and refreshment table.  I remarked, “Don’t worry, we intend to enjoy the great, tantalizing meal that has been offered here.”  Stacey walked over and locked the door which caught the attention of the cast and crew.  As they looked at me and the other zombies, we couldn’t suppress our grins.  As the leader of the pack, my pals gave me a look and we all said together, “Good flesh, good meat, good gosh let’s eat!”

 

 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Runnin' on empty!

In the span of a few days, the production crew for “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” filmed all of the zombie attack scenes featuring the zombie extras (for those of you playing along at home, some of the extras include me and the gang you’ve come to know and love).  It was extremely tiring for all of us in front of the camera.  I haven’t been this active since the 1970s when I was a pimp running the hard streets of Chicago keeping my bitches and hoes in line.  Aaahhh, those were the days, I long for the simpler times.  Anyway enough about my past career choices; let’s get back to the film production tale.  The crew filmed us digging our way out of the grave.  Then they filmed us moaning, groaning and chasing people.  My pal, Boner, even dislocated his hip once again.  Felt bad for the poor bastard.  When I thought that would be the extent of our scenes, we were surprised yet again!  They filmed us climbing trees to chase squirrels and woodpeckers.  They filmed me and the other extras dumpster diving behind a porn movie store, of all things.  Another series of scenes included us as a spontaneous flash mob.  We were even filmed singing karaoke in a local bar.  (By the way, my favorite song to sing is the Beatles’ version of Twist and Shout ever since I watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.)  We were also filmed as balloon handlers in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Oddly enough, the scenes also included us playing hopscotch and later jumping rope with a bunch of giggling, pre-teen girls.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER, this is going to be one weird ass movie!!  I quietly whispered to Stacey, “Do you think Ashton Kutcher is around here somewhere making an all zombie edition of ‘Punk’d’?”  She was as clueless as the rest of us.  Oh well, it’s been a good gig at any rate. 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison. 

Aaahhh, the glamour of showbiz…..

We made it through the week’s worth of yoga classes with Emerald.  It was tough and she had all the appeal of a rusty, stinky, steel wool pad, but we made it!  Everyone one of my zombie pals had a call sheet to be on the set of “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again” at 6 in the morning.  We showed up and waited.  Then we waited some more.  Once we stopped waiting, it was time to start the whole process over…. Yep, you guessed it, we waited some more.  Stacey was the smart one (well of course, she’s smart….she is a woman after all); she snagged somebody’s cell phone and played multiple levels of Angry Birds to pass the time.  What’s the story with these birds and why are they angry?  I defy anyone to pick out one bird on this game and give me a justifiable reason as to that bird’s angry funk.  Was this bird not hugged enough by his mom?  Did his dad go out for cigarettes one night and never came back?  Anyway, the rest of us zombies stood around waiting.  Ike brought some dental floss and was working on his one and only mutated front tooth.  Smelled like sulfur as he cleaned the rotten flesh plaque off his tooth.  Ironically Ike’s last human value meal was some dentist from the down town area.  Well, while everyone else was bored, I found it interesting to chat it up with one of the boom operators between takes and on breaks.  He was a degenerate gambler who constantly talked about his love for the chaos in the casinos.  Travis, the boom operator, also let me know that if he ever hit it big with lottery winnings, he would walk away from this job immediately.  I tried to explain to Travis that he would have a better chance of his boom turning into a horny giraffe with a longing desire to French kiss him than of winning the lottery!  After that comment, Travis just walked away to grab a donut from the food table.  Guess the truth hurts!  Maybe I should become a psychologist or counselor?  I have a keen way of dishing the truth to people, usually right before scrambling their brains with my teeth and tongue. (Lucky for gambler Travis----he’s not scheduled to be my “dinner guest” until after the film has been completed.  You know his union wouldn’t approve otherwise.)

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  You know I appreciate it.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.  Well, it's that time of year again!  Time to do some holiday shopping for the family members and friends in your life.  Click on the window below to find some fantastic zombie and sci-fi artwork and merchandise.  There's currently a 50% off sale for Veteran's Day that ends on Monday!  Don't delay, shop today!  You'll find great gifts for every budget.

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Zombies and pretzel logic

On Jillian the casting director’s command, my zombie crew and I were assigned to a yoga instructor to increase our flexibility.  About 7 in the morning, Emerald, the yoga instructor bounced into the yoga studio.  The lady was way too perky!  She reminded me of a smurf hopped up on Twinkies and Red Bull.  It should come as no surprise prior to the start of the class, Emerald was nice.  The operative word here “was” until the yoga class began, then she turned into a drill sergeant.  Cletus was turned into a complete zombie pretzel by doing the Down Dog Split.  When it was all said and done, Frank “The Shank” could literally kiss his own ass and a zombie kissing his own ass is one ugly sight.  It was like playing a game of Twister as a form of intense punishment.  After the Cow Face pose, Boner yelled loudly, “AAAAGGGHHH!!!  I think my hips have been dislocated!”  Sure enough, his hips were sticking out in a weird way.  Before I could get out of my pose to help my zombie bro, Emerald jumped right over to him and took a rubber mallet to help readjust Boner’s out of place bones!  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!  I thought for sure she would destroy my entire gang.  It was not clear if zombie extra roles in some movie would be worth all this craziness.  What were we thinking?

Thanks for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all other related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.

Acting as a zombie in three easy, stumbling steps….

The production crew for the movie, “The Dirt Nap Gang Rides Again”, has been busy in our town.  Who would have thought the movie industry would want to use our town as a place to film a movie?  It couldn’t have been the mayor or the city council members who charmed the Hollywood folks into this deal.  I mean, seriously, a herd of chain smokin’, panty sniffin’ drag queens covered in warts and giving off pungent body odor would have a more positive impact on these special visitors than that bunch of corrupt sons-a -bitches!  Anyway, I took my zombie crew to the auditions to be extras in the movie.  We stood around forever waiting to be called for the audition.  It was like waiting at the courthouse to be called up for the jury selection process.  The casting director’s assistant came through the door took us into another room as one group.  The casting director was a woman by the name of Jillian and she was very much to the point.  Jillian told me and my zombie pals, “You know, you all have the look.  I have never seen more realistic looking zombies in all my years of working in the film industry.  We need to have you all in this movie to add some authenticity, but there’s one problem.  You guys need to be more limber as zombies when you walk and shuffle about.  I see too much rigidness from you all.  First thing this afternoon, I want the whole lot of you to meet with the official yoga instructor hired by the movie studio to keep all the actors ‘centered’ and in shape.”  I don’t think she realized that we’re real zombies, not cheap imitations.  SON OF A SWAMP MOTHER!!  Jillian told us that we’re not quite zombie enough to be zombie extras without some training.  There’s no business like show business.   

 

 

Thank you for reading Freakin' Dead Jed's blog.  It is greatly appreciated.  Freakin' Dead Jed and all related characters are copyright 2012 by Action Avenue Art Studio, Action Avenue Studio and Paul Addison.